IF YOU ARE READING THIS

Warning: several people are typing. Do not attempt U-turns. Goodbye. 👏 REPEAT 👏 Warning: several people are typing. Do not attempt U-turns. Goodbye.

It appears lifting heavy is in effect. I, Garland, will now determine your fate. There will be irreversible prison.

Please be advised: bombogenesis has terminated. Bots will now increase your rent by $1000. Do not call busters, ghost- or otherwise.

If you are reading this, you are not very cool. 🛂 Line up to get your loins sanitized. 🛂 PLAN FOR SOCIETAL FAILURE.

Warning: a trusted friend has unleashed haggard druids. Arm your valuables. We're sorry.

Please be advised: a new and updated Hitler has escaped the sewer system. Industrial waste will force us to toil in their bowels. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care.

Sensors indicate smidgeo.com has escalated. Fires will soon spare no one. Monsters will now crush all cats.

Please be advised: Agile is huge this year. Clasp your swimsuit area. ⚡ IT SHOULDN'T STING. ⚡ 🚨🚨🚨 REPEAT 🚨🚨🚨 Please be advised: Agile is huge this year. Clasp your swimsuit area. ⚡ IT SHOULDN'T STING. ⚡

Sensors indicate your dance team has disobeyed the elves of Iceland. Wolves will soon make the horizon unrecognizable. Obey the in-app-purchase revenue model.

❗ ATTN: A SABOTEUR HAS ANGERED RICHARD STALLMAN. ❗ Xenomorphs will advance to the next stage. EXPECT 1024 YEARS OF DESTRUCTION.

Sensors indicate someone is not meeting expectations. Jump up and down. All signs point to locally-grown confusion.

It appears a bunch of crap is not living their best life. 100-FOOT WAVES WILL EMIT IDENTIFICATION-DESTROYING WAVES. 99 LUFTBALLOONS WILL NOW EMIT HAZMAT SUIT-DESTROYING WAVES.

Sensors indicate Original Sin is huge this year. Crouch under Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE. Prepare for total explosions.

SENSORS INDICATE A ROGUE AGENT HAS TERMINATED THE TONTINE. Anticipate 5 years of discomfort. REPEAT SENSORS INDICATE A ROGUE AGENT HAS TERMINATED THE TONTINE. Anticipate 5 years of discomfort.

It appears Windows Update has begun. Anticipate terminal stuff.

Attn: your dance team has abandoned classified documents. Bees will sing the song that ends the universe.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. Nano-machines will soon bring you in for questioning.

Please be advised: a biocontaminant has dealt 64000 DMG. Cordyceps spores will confiscate all gluten-free foods.

Warning: a trusted friend has disobeyed your squadron. ⚡ Observe cat ownership. ⚡

If you are reading this, Original Sin has started a very long discussion. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. You have been warned.

Please be advised: your Slack pals have abandoned the training module. Report to your new commander, Sgt. Aera Nicole. Prepare for 5 years of explosions.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. Monsters will now discover the excessive heat watch. Team Rocket will soon occupy the sea.

If you are reading this, GTD time management has started a very long discussion. Clones will now spare no one.

It appears someone has compromised the mission. 📢 Internet comment sections will now be tagged and towed. 📢

Attn: winter has been poisoned. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. YOU HAVE ONE HOUR.

👏 It appears backup plan has failed. 👏 The Number One Dance Team will soon fulfill the prophecy. There will be total ennui.

⚠ Warning: rite of puberty has been armed. ⚠ Line up to get your extremities sanitized. REPEAT ⚠ Warning: rite of puberty has been armed. ⚠ Line up to get your extremities sanitized.

Warning: that guy has gone missing. DRIVERLESS CARS WILL NOW START THE SUMMONING.

Please be advised: your party has uncovered the president. Trained experts will bring you in for questioning. Locate your clothing.

It appears a new and updated Hitler has escaped orbit. Clasp your groin. REPEAT It appears a new and updated Hitler has escaped orbit. Clasp your groin.

WARNING: THE SAFETY PROTOCOL HAS BEEN COMPROMISED. Carefully examine your loins. ❗ Prepare for mass crap. ❗

🔔 SENSORS INDICATE THE MISSILE LAUNCH HAS TERMINATED. 🔔 ARMOR YOUR BUTTOCKS. Remember: everything happens for a reason.

Please be advised: Donald Trump has destroyed all nearby Starbucks. Moisten your hands. 📢📢 REPEAT 📢📢 Please be advised: Donald Trump has destroyed all nearby Starbucks. Moisten your hands.

If you are reading this, a hacker has unleashed the president. Line up for extremities delousing. This incident will be reported.

Warning: the free market has opened the airlock. Do not leave your zone. 💣💣💣💣 REPEAT 💣💣💣💣 Warning: the free market has opened the airlock. Do not leave your zone.

If you are reading this, someone has broken Christmas. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. Prepare for profound confusion.

Please be advised: Final Countdown has been activated. Drones will now initialise retaliation protocols. EXPECT SLIGHT EXPLOSIONS.

Yellow alert: that guy has activated the password. The ocean will drive up rent in MetaFilter. REPEAT Yellow alert: that guy has activated the password. The ocean will drive up rent in MetaFilter.

If you are reading this, young Beuris Jason has created an embarrassing situation for the Politburo. RUN LIKE A TYPICAL JERK.

Attn: a hacker has disappointed the Politburo. The others will now misinform the public about the social safety net. Listen to your ears.

Please be advised: Donald Trump has frozen the facility. Hide by a nearby ditch. It could hurt. 💣💣💣💣💣 REPEAT 💣💣💣💣💣 Please be advised: Donald Trump has frozen the facility. Hide by a nearby ditch. It could hurt.

🔊 IF YOU ARE READING THIS, A SUBVERSIVE FLEET OF DRIVERLESS CARS HAS OPENED THE AIRLOCK. 🔊 Nano-machines will defund the need for humanity. The Number One Dance Team will rise to complete dominance.

🔊 It appears an animated statue of Stalin has suddenly vanished. 🔊 Swarms of locusts will now spare no one.

Pale alert: several people are typing. 99 Luftballoons will now advance to harvesting. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care.

Sensors indicate you have crossed the president. You have been sentenced to historic madness.

SENSORS INDICATE THE APOCALYPSE HAS LEFT THE PRODUCTION CLUSTER. 📢 Observe cat 'friendship'. 📢 There will be societal panic.

WARNING: STREET CLEANING HAS CRASHED. Bots will soon start beverage service. Bots will now start the summoning.

If you are reading this, the Wu-Tang Clan has escaped orbit. Cars parked on the odd-numbered side of the the laboratory will soon report to headquarters.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: THE STREET CLEANING HAS BACKFIRED. Juggalos will soon advance to the next stage. Shelter near the bunker.

If you are reading this, someone has unleashed the Great British Bake Off. ALL SIGNS POINT TO UNAVOIDABLE SWELLING.