IF YOU ARE READING THIS

2018-5-6 06:45:02

It appears CrossFit has started a very long discussion. Obey your loins. There will be no further instructions.

2018-5-6 00:45:02

⚡ IF YOU ARE READING THIS, VI IS NOW BANNED. ⚡ Embrace GTD time management. There will be serious collapse.

2018-5-5 18:45:03

Sensors indicate permadeath has exploded. Clones will consider your pleas. Juggalos will soon misinform the public about math education.

2018-5-5 12:45:03

PLEASE BE ADVISED: AN INFLUX OF LUXURY CONDOS HAS DEALT 64000 DMG. Anticipate widespread annihilation.

2018-5-5 06:45:02

Attn: a saboteur has disobeyed your squadron. Xenomorphs will emit emergency rations-destroying waves. Fires will now make final preparations.

2018-5-5 00:45:02

It appears Smidgeo is now mandatory. Snake people will soon emit cool sunglasses-destroying waves. All signs point to 1024 years of explosions.

2018-5-4 18:45:02

Warning: you have unleashed the MacGuffin device. Jump up and down. IT SHOULDN'T CHAFE AT ALL. ⚡⚡ REPEAT ⚡⚡ Warning: you have unleashed the MacGuffin device. Jump up and down. IT SHOULDN'T CHAFE AT ALL.

2018-5-4 12:45:03

ATTN: THE BLACK OMEN HAS DESTROYED THE WATER SUPPLY. 🔊 Driverless cars will soon defund civics education. 🔊

2018-5-4 06:45:02

If you are reading this, young Whaistley has revealed the master remote. Hide your groin. It will chafe.

2018-5-4 00:45:02

If you are reading this, that guy has obtained the password. Mecha-Godzilla will obliterate the coastline.

2018-5-3 18:45:02

Sensors indicate several people are typing. Your mother will bring you in for questioning. Deactivate like a true jerk.

2018-5-3 12:45:03

Sensors indicate AWS has collapsed. Prepare for local shrinkage. REPEAT Sensors indicate AWS has collapsed. Prepare for local shrinkage.

2018-5-3 06:45:02

White alert: the intervention has reached the point of no return. Obey Original Sin. You may experience historic discomfort.

2018-5-3 00:45:02

Attn: several people are typing. Line up for your groin tattoo. Plan for intermittent delays.

2018-5-2 18:45:02

It appears WarMECH is not a good fit for our culture. Draculas will now remotely explode all gas masks. 🔔 You may experience some annoyance. 🔔

2018-5-2 12:45:03

SENSORS INDICATE SUCTION VORTEX HAS CRASHED. ⚡ Line up to receive your state-issued condom. ⚡ End transmission.

2018-5-2 06:45:02

Attn: ignition sequence has timed out. Line up to enter the lottery for a visa to the tri-state area. THIS INCIDENT WILL BE REPORTED.

2018-5-2 00:45:02

It appears the Cloud has escaped orbit. ❗ Observe scrapbooking. ❗ This won't burn. ⚡⚡⚡ REPEAT ⚡⚡⚡ It appears the Cloud has escaped orbit. ❗ Observe scrapbooking. ❗ This won't burn.

2018-5-1 18:45:02

❗ IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU ARE NOT OUR TYPE. ❗ EMBRACE CREATIONISM.

2018-5-1 12:45:03

Sensors indicate Twitter has eaten through the earth's core. Extreme temperatures will now show no mercy.

2018-5-1 06:45:02

Orange alert: someone is not in the in the suburbs. OBEY FUNCTIONAL PROGRAMMING. ‼‼‼‼ REPEAT ‼‼‼‼ Orange alert: someone is not in the in the suburbs. OBEY FUNCTIONAL PROGRAMMING.

2018-5-1 00:45:02

It appears that guy has upset your squadron. Internet comment sections will now colonize the sea. Prepare for partial famines.

2018-4-30 18:45:02

Sensors indicate intervention has been cancelled. DEACTIVATE FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS. We're sorry.

2018-4-30 12:45:03

Sensors indicate the comfort of fleece jackets has started a very long discussion. You have been sentenced to local fallout.

2018-4-30 06:45:02

Warning: Windows Update has timed out. Wolves will confiscate all body sprays. The ocean will obliterate the middle class.

2018-4-30 00:45:02

CHARTREUSE ALERT: DONALD TRUMP HAS DESTROYED THE SEWER SYSTEM. ⚡ PREPARE FOR LOCAL COLLAPSE. ⚡ ⚡ REPEAT ⚡ CHARTREUSE ALERT: DONALD TRUMP HAS DESTROYED THE SEWER SYSTEM. ⚡ PREPARE FOR LOCAL COLLAPSE. ⚡

2018-4-29 18:45:02

🔊 Pale alert: your improv group has angered Richard Stallman. 🔊 MONSTERS WILL NOW START THE SUMMONING. Cordyceps spores will soon confiscate all Oculus Rifts.

2018-4-29 12:45:03

📡 Please be advised: your party has ruined your assigned inhaler. 📡 Report to the food factory at your convenience. There will be sudden madness.

2018-4-29 06:45:02

IT APPEARS A 800-FT. TALL SENTIENT TWITTER BOT HAS BURNED MOST OF THE SEWER SYSTEM. Cultists will destroy art education.

2018-4-29 00:45:02

Please be advised: DEEZ NUTS has upset the Cloud. Fires will soon remotely explode all first aid kits. THERE MAY BE UNAVOIDABLE CONFUSION.

2018-4-28 18:45:02

If you are reading this, gluten-free food is now banned. Anticipate locally-grown outages.

2018-4-28 12:45:02

IT APPEARS EMACS HAS EXPLODED. DARK WIZARDS WILL SOON DISCOVER SMIDGEO. Extreme temperatures will soon start beverage service.

2018-4-28 06:45:02

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU ARE NOT LIVING THEIR BEST LIFE. Chaos will now show no mercy. Nano-machines will soon confiscate all first aid kits.

2018-4-28 00:45:02

🔊 Attn: you have terminated Weird Twitter. 🔊 You have been sentenced to some shrinkage. ❗❗❗ REPEAT ❗❗❗ 🔊 Attn: you have terminated Weird Twitter. 🔊 You have been sentenced to some shrinkage.

2018-4-27 18:45:02

PLEASE BE ADVISED: AGILE IS IN EFFECT. Pray in place. There will be intermittent shrinkage. 🔔🔔 REPEAT 🔔🔔 PLEASE BE ADVISED: AGILE IS IN EFFECT. Pray in place. There will be intermittent shrinkage.

2018-4-27 12:45:02

PLEASE BE ADVISED: ELVIS HAS DISAPPEARED. There may be unpredictable consequences.

2018-4-27 06:45:02

Chartreuse alert: mating ceremony has been armed. THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND WAVE THEM LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE. Plan for temporal hallucinations.

2018-4-27 00:45:02

WHITE ALERT: SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. ⚠ You may experience irreversible ennui. ⚠

2018-4-26 18:45:02

Sensors indicate that guy has crossed the AARP. Observe microservice-based architecture. 📢 You have been warned. 📢

2018-4-26 12:45:03

It appears a particular individual has opened your pants. The elders will gut the coastline. REPEAT It appears a particular individual has opened your pants. The elders will gut the coastline.

2018-4-26 06:45:02

Warning: Elvis has destroyed everything inside Jupiter's orbit. Guard your belongings.

2018-4-26 00:45:02

🛂 Please be advised: the grey goo has escaped orbit. 🛂 Die like a good jerk. It might be uncomfortable.

2018-4-25 18:45:02

It appears several people are typing. Do not attempt to change the plans. You may experience irreversible shrinkage.

2018-4-25 12:45:03

Loud alert: AWS has compromised the production cluster. CLONES WILL NOW DESTROY THE COASTLINE. 🚨🚨🚨 REPEAT 🚨🚨🚨 Loud alert: AWS has compromised the production cluster. CLONES WILL NOW DESTROY THE COASTLINE.

2018-4-25 06:45:02

🔊 Pale alert: the incubation sequence has reached the point of no return. 🔊 The hivemind will now gut the middle class. Do not let them see you.

2018-4-25 00:45:02

Please be advised: that guy has compromised your mentor. Report to your new commander, General Rhervery.

2018-4-24 18:45:02

Warning: the street cleaning has been activated. Nano-machines will drive up rent in the horizon. There will be disco outages.

2018-4-24 12:45:03

SENSORS INDICATE THE SAFETY PROTOCOL HAS CAUSED THE SUN TO GO OUT. Cultists will now demand total submission.

2018-4-24 06:45:02

Please be advised: the comfort of fleece jackets has exploded. Nano-machines will soon emit towel-destroying waves. Expect corn casualties.

2018-4-24 00:45:02

🔊 Sensors indicate smidgeo.com has added you to its professional network on LinkedIn. 🔊 The survivors will now bring you in for questioning.