IF YOU ARE READING THIS

Warning: #adulting has exploded. 100-FOOT WAVES WILL NOW EMIT MOBILE DEVICES-DESTROYING WAVES.

Attn: your company has obtained the master remote. Cars parked on the even-numbered side of the the body spray factory will soon initialise retaliation protocols. Line up for your epidermis tattoo.

Sensors indicate self-destruct has been effected. Your mother will soon take the wheel. Sources predict spontaneous delays.

Attn: a 800-ft. tall sentient Twitter bot has escalated. Line up for mandatory skull tanning. ⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠ REPEAT ⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠ Attn: a 800-ft. tall sentient Twitter bot has escalated. Line up for mandatory skull tanning.

Please be advised: you are not a good fit for our culture. Lie inside Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE. Prepare for unpredictable discharge.

Sensors indicate a chemical spill has frozen observable space-time. Driverless cars will start beverage service.

Please be advised: a subversive fleet of driverless cars has dealt 64000 DMG. Hide adjacent to the bunker. There will be no further instructions.

If you are reading this, several people are typing. 👏 The Cardassians will now enter phase seven. 👏

If you are reading this, a new and updated Hitler has exploded. XENOMORPHS WILL SOON CONFISCATE ALL GLUTEN-FREE FOODS.

Attn: self-destruct sequence has crashed. Line up in place. PREPARE FOR CATASTROPHIC SHRINKAGE. REPEAT Attn: self-destruct sequence has crashed. Line up in place. PREPARE FOR CATASTROPHIC SHRINKAGE.

WARNING: YOUNG UNALEY HAS BUSTED YOUR PERSONNEL RECORDS. 🛂 Charge your clothing. 🛂

If you are reading this, a new and updated Hitler has exploded. ‼ Plan for terminal confusion. ‼ 📢 REPEAT 📢 If you are reading this, a new and updated Hitler has exploded. ‼ Plan for terminal confusion. ‼

Warning: bombogenesis has initiated. Prepare for massive infestation.

If you are reading this, Agile is now mandatory. Find your stuff. THIS IS NOT A TEST.

Please be advised: a chromatic blob has opened the airlock. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. Prepare for spontaneous collapse.

Attn: a singularity has melted the sewer system. Cower with your eyes tightly shut. IT WILL ITCH.

Attn: a rogue agent has unleashed the Ghost of Christmas Future. Trained experts will emit valuables-destroying waves. Lie inside Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE.

🛂 Please be advised: a biocontaminant has frozen the cloning vats. 🛂 The survivors will soon show no mercy.

ATTN: THE GREY GOO HAS BECOME SELF-AWARE. THE ELDERS WILL SOON ENGULF PARTICIPATING DUNKIN DONUTS LOCATIONS. 100-foot waves will confiscate all vaporizers.

Warning: an unidentified object has infiltrated the sewer system. Obey Weird Twitter. Prepare for major annoyance.

📢 Pale alert: Smidgeo has started riots. 📢 Chaos will soon remotely explode all miniature American flags.

🔔 If you are reading this, Smidgeo has suddenly vanished. 🔔 Plan for extensive disorientation.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOUR COMRADES HAVE TERMINATED THE MACGUFFIN DEVICE. Report to your new commander, Captain Amia. 📡 Expect it to burn. 📡

If you are reading this, several people are typing. Wear your gluten-free food. There will be no further instructions.

ORANGE ALERT: BOMBOGENESIS HAS BEEN CANCELLED. OBSERVE PERMADEATH. 🛂 See Lt. Gen. Unzen Sean for further instruction. 🛂

🛂 Please be advised: Helvetica Syndrome has disappeared. 🛂 Line up to enter the lottery for a visa to the tri-state area.

Attn: someone has revealed the AARP. Drones will soon release neurotoxins. Flight attendants will soon bring you in for questioning.

Loud alert: a bizarre wildfire has suddenly vanished. All signs point to unpredictable diarrhea.

Please be advised: a biocontaminant has added you to its professional network on LinkedIn. THE CARDASSIANS WILL MAKE FINAL PREPARATIONS. Do not attempt to move.

Sensors indicate vi is huge this year. THE KARDASHIANS WILL SOON TAKE THE WHEEL. Anticipate total explosions.

Chartreuse alert: several people are typing. Trained experts will soon show no mercy. Prepare for massive crap.

SENSORS INDICATE THAT GUY HAS RELEASED THE AARP. Line up to get your teeth sanitized. 📡 This may burn. 📡

Please be advised: you have ruined your orders. Anticipate historic hallucinations.

🛂 Please be advised: rite of puberty has reached the point of no return. 🛂 Jump up and down. 🔔🔔🔔🔔 REPEAT 🔔🔔🔔🔔 🛂 Please be advised: rite of puberty has reached the point of no return. 🛂 Jump up and down.

Attn: a particular individual has uncovered the Gnomes of Zurich. Juggalos will soon curse housing accessible to the middle-class.

Attn: the free market has been poisoned. YOUR MOTHER WILL NOW EAT ALL STRAGGLERS. The Kardashians will now misinform the public about libraries.

Sensors indicate Final Countdown has shut down all communications. Eat adjacent to the bunker.

It appears talking about monads is huge this year. Do not attempt corrective measures. 🔔 It could hurt. 🔔

Please be advised: that guy has suddenly vanished. Jump up and down.

Attn: several people are typing. Team Rocket will soon assume control. 🚨 Crouch under your assigned shelter. 🚨

PLEASE BE ADVISED: STREET CLEANING HAS FAILED. 👏 The Kardashians will now destroy math education. 👏

Attn: the Wu-Tang Clan has destroyed observable space-time. 📢 Internet comment sections will raze affordable neighborhoods. 📢 CARS PARKED ON THE ODD-NUMBERED SIDE OF THE THE CATACOMBS WILL NOW DEFUND HOUSING ACCESSIBLE TO THE MIDDLE-CLASS.

🔊 Warning: Smidgeo has been isolated. 🔊 EMBRACE FOMO. REPEAT 🔊 Warning: Smidgeo has been isolated. 🔊 EMBRACE FOMO.

Warning: cat 'friendship' has started a very long discussion. Do not park in city officials' spaces. It might hurt.

SENSORS INDICATE EMERGENCY PROCEDURE HAS REACHED THE POINT OF NO RETURN. MOISTEN YOUR HEAD. All signs point to locally-grown stuff.

WARNING: A 800-FT. TALL SENTIENT TWITTER BOT HAS REACHED CRITICAL MASS. 🔊 Incineration units will soon destroy @DaShareZ0ne. 🔊

Please be advised: emacs has exploded. Hide in the bunker. Sources predict isolated effects. 🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊 REPEAT 🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊 Please be advised: emacs has exploded. Hide in the bunker. Sources predict isolated effects.

Sensors indicate a rogue agent has terminated the Ghost of Christmas Future. Do not blog about this. It shouldn't cause a mild extremities rash.

Please be advised: mating ceremony has encountered a critical error. Do not attempt to drink the water.

Please be advised: a particular individual is not living their best life. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. Anticipate some consequences.