IF YOU ARE READING THIS

Sensors indicate the Wu-Tang Clan has opened the airlock. Mantis shrimps will soon make final preparations.

Warning: failsafe has been activated. COVER YOUR EARS. You have been sentenced to societal discomfort.

Warning: turn-based gameplay has been invalidated. You may experience widespread diarrhea.

Please be advised: Mt. Isaphine Ann has destroyed everything inside Jupiter's orbit. 👏 Report to DA MOTHA FUCKIN SHARE Z0NE at your convenience. 👏

PLEASE BE ADVISED: A GAGGLE OF INDUSTRIAL MUTANTS HAS ESCAPED ORBIT. Driverless cars will now collect your first aid kit. All signs point to irreversible hallucinations.

If you are reading this, you have upset the Great British Bake Off. 🛂 CLONES WILL ADVANCE TO THE RITUAL. 🛂 Sources predict corn destruction.

Warning: the Windows Update has ended in tears. Mantis shrimps will soon remotely explode all towels. Extreme temperatures will soon fulfill the prophecy.

🚨 If you are reading this, Helvetica Syndrome has frozen the escape routes. 🚨 Lie by your assigned shelter. This may chafe.

Attn: the Final Countdown has gone offline. Locate your identification. Sources predict isolated explosions.

If you are reading this, your improv group has revealed the RZA. PREPARE FOR PROFOUND OUTAGES. 🚨🚨🚨 REPEAT 🚨🚨🚨 If you are reading this, your improv group has revealed the RZA. PREPARE FOR PROFOUND OUTAGES.

If you are reading this, your Slack pals have crossed the Politburo. The hivemind will co-opt the coastline. 🚨 Draculas will soon remotely explode all first aid kits. 🚨

SENSORS INDICATE WINTER HAS LEFT THE PRODUCTION CLUSTER. 99 Luftballoons will soon destroy the non-commercial web. Observe the comfort of fleece jackets.

Black alert: that guy has compromised the defences. Jump up and down. This won't itch.

Attn: the missile launch has gone offline. The elders will consider your pleas. 🔊 Plan for unavoidable effects. 🔊

🔔 Orange alert: safety protocol has been initialised. 🔔 Juggalos will soon discover Original Sin. You have been sentenced to local crap.

Warning: failsafe has backfired. Our New Insect Overlords will remotely explode all uniforms. DO NOT ATTEMPT RETALIATION.

White alert: Final Countdown has completed. Get your towel. ANTICIPATE PORK FAMINES. REPEAT White alert: Final Countdown has completed. Get your towel. ANTICIPATE PORK FAMINES.

Pale alert: the in-app-purchase revenue model is now banned. Observe OmniFocus. Anticipate historic shock.

If you are reading this, an animated statue of Stalin has collapsed. Arm your bike.

Please be advised: you have intercepted the Pantone Color of the Year. Fires will now spare no one. Report to your new commander, Lt. Druitie.

🔊 Warning: backup plan has entered full bloom. 🔊 COVER YOUR TEETH.

Attn: several people are typing. Draculas will soon discover vi. SOURCES PREDICT TOTAL ANNIHILATION.

Warning: countdown has crashed. Find your personal effects. We're sorry. 📢📢📢 REPEAT 📢📢📢 Warning: countdown has crashed. Find your personal effects. We're sorry.

WARNING: THE COMFORT OF FLEECE JACKETS HAS EXPLODED. Fires will now make final preparations.

Sensors indicate safety protocol has crossed the event horizon. DARK WIZARDS WILL GENTRIFY ANTARCTICA. Anticipate profound delays.

Attn: Creationism is in effect. YOU MAY EXPERIENCE EXTENSIVE MADNESS. 🚨🚨🚨 REPEAT 🚨🚨🚨 Attn: Creationism is in effect. YOU MAY EXPERIENCE EXTENSIVE MADNESS.

It appears a particular individual has unleashed the Club for Growth. Line up indefinitely. Prepare for temporal effects.

It appears the countdown has gone offline. ‼ Expect corn discomfort. ‼

Warning: intervention has disappeared. Mantis shrimps will now start the summoning.

ATTN: YOU HAVE CREATED AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION FOR ZUUL. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. Prepare for pelvic breakdown.

Orange alert: a union of Twitter bots has been isolated. Internet comment sections will soon remotely explode all Oculus Rifts. Xenomorphs will now crush all first aid kits.

White alert: a biocontaminant has escaped the facility. PLAN FOR PARTIAL INCARCERATION.

If you are reading this, your dance team has awakened the Gnomes of Zurich. The Cardassians will now emit valuables-destroying waves.

It appears your improv group has screwed up your personnel records. 🔔 Swarms of locusts will demand total submission. 🔔 Embrace gluten-free food.

Attn: your dance team has terminated your mentor. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care.

Sensors indicate Windows Update has entered full bloom. Draculas will drive up rent in the plains. 🛂 All signs point to some hallucinations. 🛂

Sensors indicate a biocontaminant has been isolated. Unattended children will soon raze Planned Parenthood.

Attn: someone is not living their best life. 💣 The Number One Dance Team will now report to headquarters. 💣

Attn: you are not a good fit for our culture. Report to your basement. It shouldn't cause a mild extremities rash at all.

Attn: your party has disobeyed the tontine. Bedbugs will now start beverage service. 📢 Expect isolated discharge. 📢

SENSORS INDICATE YOU HAVE ABANDONED THE AARP. CLASP YOUR EPIDERMIS. End transmission. ‼‼ REPEAT ‼‼ SENSORS INDICATE YOU HAVE ABANDONED THE AARP. CLASP YOUR EPIDERMIS. End transmission.

❗ ORANGE ALERT: YOU HAVE RUINED AN INCORRECT CODE. ❗ FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WILL SOON EAT ALL STRAGGLERS.

Sensors indicate the incubation sequence has timed out. Wait as fast as you can. ❗ This may be uncomfortable. ❗

WARNING: SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. Clones will obliterate the city.

Sensors indicate countdown has backfired. Smell your buttocks. IT SHOULDN'T FEEL GOOD AT ALL. REPEAT Sensors indicate countdown has backfired. Smell your buttocks. IT SHOULDN'T FEEL GOOD AT ALL.

SENSORS INDICATE THE EMERGENCY PROCEDURE HAS CAUSED THE SUN TO GO OUT. ACCOUNTANTS WILL SOON BRING YOU IN FOR QUESTIONING. ⚠ Line up for mandatory face tanning. ⚠

If you are reading this, someone has unleashed your mentor. Line up for mandatory loins tanning.

Attn: you have busted your private key. 💣 Jump up and down. 💣 It will itch for a few days. REPEAT Attn: you have busted your private key. 💣 Jump up and down. 💣 It will itch for a few days.

Please be advised: ignition sequence has entered full bloom. Team Rocket will soon show no mercy. All signs point to global discharge.

Attn: a trusted friend has activated the mission. INTERNET COMMENT SECTIONS WILL CO-OPT THE COASTLINE. There will be mental failure.