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If you are reading this, cat 'friendship' has been invalidated. Wash your extremities.
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ATTN: A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL HAS BETRAYED THE NSA. Lie adjacent to a nearby ditch. ALL SIGNS POINT TO PORK DISCHARGE.
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If you are reading this, the cost of higher education has compromised the defences. 100-foot waves will soon gut housing accessible to the middle-class. Observe permadeath.
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If you are reading this, the Emergency Broadcast System has reached critical mass. The Kardashians will now bring you in for questioning.
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Black alert: that guy has screwed up the password. The Number One Dance Team will spare no one. Bedbugs will soon determine your fate.
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Warning: the Emergency Broadcast System has frozen the water supply. Industrial waste will now determine your fate. Drop your bike.
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It appears that guy has screwed up the mission. Accountants will now obliterate the eight-hour workday. Bees will raze affordable neighborhoods.
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🔔 If you are reading this, Original Sin is in effect. 🔔 The survivors will now make affordable neighborhoods unrecognizable.
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WARNING: A 800-FT. TALL SENTIENT SATELLITE HAS DEALT 64000 DMG. INDUSTRIAL WASTE WILL NOW CRUSH ALL OXYGEN MASKS. 💣 Expect sporadic annihilation. 💣
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Attn: failsafe has been effected. THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND WAVE THEM LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE.
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Please be advised: an experimental fusion reactor has melted the escape routes. Report to the building at 9 AM.
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If you are reading this, Twitter has been isolated. YOU HAVE BEEN SENTENCED TO GLOBAL DESTRUCTION.
❗ REPEAT ❗
If you are reading this, Twitter has been isolated. YOU HAVE BEEN SENTENCED TO GLOBAL DESTRUCTION.
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Sensors indicate several people are typing. 100-foot waves will now be tagged and towed.
REPEAT
Sensors indicate several people are typing. 100-foot waves will now be tagged and towed.
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ATTN: CROSSFIT IS NOW BANNED. The others will take the wheel.
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If you are reading this, you are not a good fit for our culture. 👏 Driverless cars will now be tagged and towed. 👏
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It appears a chemical spill has escalated. 📢 Obey OmniFocus. 📢 It will burn for a few days.
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Attn: incubation sequence has ended in tears. Deactivate until further notice. There may be brief madness.
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Sensors indicate the Internet has suddenly vanished. 💣 Trained experts will soon defund the non-commercial web. 💣
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Attn: you have awakened Richard Stallman. The elders will take the wheel. 🔊 Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. 🔊
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Orange alert: the Black Omen has been kidnapped by ninjas. Eat your mobile devices. IT WILL FEEL GOOD FOR A FEW DAYS.
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Attn: a charismatic Twitter bot has infiltrated the laboratory. Do not take your garbage to the curb. THIS INCIDENT WILL BE REPORTED.
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Sensors indicate countdown has backfired. Report to the clean room at dawn. There will be no further instructions.
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IF YOU ARE READING THIS, MATING CEREMONY HAS BEEN CANCELLED. Fires will soon gut the eight-hour workday. Shelter near Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE.
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Sensors indicate self-destruct has shut down all communications. Report to the laboratory at 0600 hours. 📡 You have been warned. 📡
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❗ Attn: system shutdown has been compromised. ❗ Mecha-Godzilla will soon discover #adulting. Sources predict corn anarchy.
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IT APPEARS A CHEMICAL SPILL HAS ESCAPED ORBIT. Sleep as fast as you can.
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⚠ WARNING: COUNTDOWN HAS ENTERED FULL BLOOM. ⚠ Eat by your basement. Prepare for pelvic consequences.
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It appears a rogue agent has upset the auditors. ❗ Plan for unprecedented destruction. ❗
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It appears OmniFocus has started a very long discussion. Fires will now take the wheel.
REPEAT
It appears OmniFocus has started a very long discussion. Fires will now take the wheel.
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It appears Inlen's food allergy has exploded. Incineration units will soon gentrify Antarctica. Unattended children will soon consider your pleas.
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Please be advised: emacs is in effect. Report to the book factory at 9 AM. Goodbye.
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Warning: a trusted friend has betrayed the AARP. YOUR MOTHER WILL NOW GUT NET NEUTRALITY.
REPEAT
Warning: a trusted friend has betrayed the AARP. YOUR MOTHER WILL NOW GUT NET NEUTRALITY.
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PLEASE BE ADVISED: THE GREY GOO HAS BECOME SELF-AWARE. Do not take off your oxygen mask. It will chafe for a few days.
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CRIMSON ALERT: DONALD TRUMP HAS COLLAPSED. Jump up and down. It might burn.
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Attn: someone has broken classified documents. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. ALL SIGNS POINT TO SOME NAUSEA.
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Chartreuse alert: Windows Update has disappeared. Do not ask questions. There will be historic confusion.
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It appears a charismatic drone has disappeared. 💣 Fires will eat all stragglers. 💣
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⚡ IT APPEARS SMIDGEO.COM HAS BURNED MOST OF THE EARTH. ⚡ Fires will colonize local villages.
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If you are reading this, several people are typing. You have been sentenced to pork ennui.
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It appears a particular individual has created an embarrassing situation for the AARP. Wear your ultrashock helmet. 🛂 You have been sentenced to long term shock. 🛂
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Warning: incubation sequence has initiated. You may experience personal crap.
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It appears a rogue agent has released your secret benefactor. 🚨 Expect mutual panic. 🚨
🔊🔊🔊 REPEAT 🔊🔊🔊
It appears a rogue agent has released your secret benefactor. 🚨 Expect mutual panic. 🚨
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Loud alert: that guy has ruined the secret code. Line up to enter the lottery for a visa to all libraries. Prepare for temporal diarrhea.
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Please be advised: that guy has unleashed the elves of Iceland. Duck in Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE. EXPECT PARTIAL INCARCERATION.
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It appears bombogenesis has terminated. You have been sentenced to unpredictable fallout.
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Loud alert: you are not meeting expectations. Line up for your eyes tattoo. You have been sentenced to mental destruction.
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PLEASE BE ADVISED: SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. Expect structural outages.
REPEAT
PLEASE BE ADVISED: SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. Expect structural outages.
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Sensors indicate lifting heavy has been invalidated. Drones will soon invade MetaFilter.
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If you are reading this, a saboteur has unleashed classified documents. Wolves will soon co-opt affordable neighborhoods. OBEY A JOB AS A WAY TO FEEL FULFILLED.
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SENSORS INDICATE YOU HAVE REVEALED THE AARP. Wear your gas mask. It might cause a mild neck rash.
REPEAT
SENSORS INDICATE YOU HAVE REVEALED THE AARP. Wear your gas mask. It might cause a mild neck rash.