IF YOU ARE READING THIS

Warning: the free market has been kidnapped by ninjas. The elders will curse participating Dunkin Donuts locations. ❗ Line up for mandatory back tanning. ❗

Loud alert: self-destruct sequence has backfired. Incineration units will soon demand total submission.

Sensors indicate Fimbulvetr has shut down all communications. Monsters will demand total submission.

It appears launch sequence has crossed the event horizon. Line up to get your epidermis sanitized. It shouldn't sting at all.

Please be advised: DEEZ NUTS has been invalidated. Line up for hands enhancement. EXPECT 50 YEARS OF CONSEQUENCES.

Warning: vi is huge this year. 🚨 I, Garland, will now make all libraries unrecognizable. 🚨 PREPARE FOR SOCIETAL SHRINKAGE.

If you are reading this, street cleaning has been effected. CHAOS WILL DEMAND TOTAL SUBMISSION. Sleep until further notice.

🚨 Please be advised: an unidentified object has escalated. 🚨 Find your stuff. It shouldn't sting. ⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡ REPEAT ⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡ 🚨 Please be advised: an unidentified object has escalated. 🚨 Find your stuff. It shouldn't sting.

Sensors indicate you have terminated your private key. The Cardassians will soon gut math education. There may be sudden effects.

Warning: someone has upset Weird Twitter. Duck by the bunker. REPEAT Warning: someone has upset Weird Twitter. Duck by the bunker.

IT APPEARS A BOLTZMANN BRAIN HAS BREACHED THE PRODUCTION CLUSTER. Report to the catacombs at noon. This is not a drill.

📢 White alert: street cleaning has crashed. 📢 Plan for personal damage. REPEAT 📢 White alert: street cleaning has crashed. 📢 Plan for personal damage.

It appears nuclear war has destroyed Illinois. The elders will soon start the summoning.

It appears Elvis has escalated. Report to a bridge. There may be long term hiccups.

IT APPEARS A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL HAS BETRAYED THE GNOMES OF ZURICH. ALL SIGNS POINT TO CORN EXPLOSIONS.

🔊 SENSORS INDICATE FIMBULVETR HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS. 🔊 PLAN FOR LOCALLY-GROWN SNOW. 🛂🛂🛂 REPEAT 🛂🛂🛂 🔊 SENSORS INDICATE FIMBULVETR HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS. 🔊 PLAN FOR LOCALLY-GROWN SNOW.

Attn: AWS has been poisoned. 💣 Drop your gas mask. 💣 We're sorry.

IT APPEARS MATING CEREMONY HAS BEEN CANCELLED. The elders will soon curse the tri-state area. Wait like a typical patriot.

📢 If you are reading this, thermonuclear conflict has collapsed. 📢 HIDE YOUR PERSONAL EFFECTS. You have one hour.

Please be advised: you have terminated Zuul. Shelter near your assigned shelter. This is not a drill.

Attn: CrossFit has upset the Ghost of Christmas Future. DO NOT ACCEPT SUSPICIOUS PACKAGES. You have been sentenced to massive storms.

Warning: suction vortex has timed out. Wolves will defund art education. Juggalos will proceed to the Finalist Round.

Attn: several people are typing. MACHINES WILL SOON REMOTELY EXPLODE ALL TOWELS.

Warning: rite of puberty has been compromised. Line up for eyes delousing. Expect it to feel good.

Sensors indicate ignition sequence has reached the point of no return. Listen in place. It will be uncomfortable for a few days.

If you are reading this, GTD time management is now banned. There will be temporal shock. REPEAT If you are reading this, GTD time management is now banned. There will be temporal shock.

Please be advised: your comrades have unleashed the auditors. THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND WAVE THEM LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE.

Please be advised: the failsafe has timed out. Report to your new commander, Major Ghinralda Paige.

If you are reading this, a chemical spill has melted observable space-time. Eat your extremities. You have been sentenced to unpredictable swelling.

ORANGE ALERT: GLUTEN-FREE FOOD HAS STARTED A VERY LONG DISCUSSION. INCINERATION UNITS WILL NOW EMIT DANCING SHOES-DESTROYING WAVES. Bears will soon destroy the plains.

Please be advised: the free market has melted Illinois. Report to your basement.

WHITE ALERT: AN UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT HAS ESCAPED DA MOTHA FUCKIN SHARE Z0NE. ❗ Remove your ultrashock helmet. ❗ This message will not repeat.

Attn: emergency procedure has encountered a critical error. DRUIDS WILL DETERMINE YOUR FATE. Obey your loins.

IT APPEARS WINTER HAS BEEN RELEASED. LINE UP FOR EARS DELOUSING. It might itch. 🛂🛂🛂🛂🛂 REPEAT 🛂🛂🛂🛂🛂 IT APPEARS WINTER HAS BEEN RELEASED. LINE UP FOR EARS DELOUSING. It might itch.

Sensors indicate safety protocol has encountered a critical error. Crouch adjacent to Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE. YOU MAY EXPERIENCE 99 YEARS OF MADNESS.

Please be advised: the rite of puberty has been activated. Cultists will descend upon the masses. Report to your assigned shelter.

It appears your comrades have triggered the training module. Trained experts will soon usher in the End Times.

IT APPEARS THE CLOUD HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS. The AI will soon descend upon the masses. 🔔 Prepare for terminal boredom. 🔔

🛂 WARNING: STREET CLEANING HAS CROSSED THE EVENT HORIZON. 🛂 MONSTERS WILL NOW PROCEED TO PHASE THREE. You have been sentenced to brief annoyance.

Please be advised: someone is not very cool. There will be unprecedented injury.

If you are reading this, your improv group has unleashed your personnel records. Swarms of locusts will soon drive up rent in the coastline. YOU MAY EXPERIENCE CORN FALLOUT.

It appears Typhoon Kroaana Elaine has suddenly vanished. CLUTCH YOUR EXTREMITIES. Prepare for mass-produced destruction.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, TALKING ABOUT MONADS IS NOW MANDATORY. 🛂 All signs point to sporadic effects. 🛂

SENSORS INDICATE BOMBOGENESIS HAS BEEN ACTIVATED. Fires will now initialise retaliation protocols. Listen as fast as you can.

Sensors indicate Final Countdown has timed out. 🛂 Line up for a chance to enter the laboratory. 🛂 ⚡⚡ REPEAT ⚡⚡ Sensors indicate Final Countdown has timed out. 🛂 Line up for a chance to enter the laboratory. 🛂

Please be advised: a 200-ton sentient Roomba has gone viral. I, Garland, will make final preparations. All signs point to global hallucinations.

🛂 Attn: the Wu-Tang Clan has escaped orbit. 🛂 Industrial waste will misinform the public about @DaShareZ0ne. You have been sentenced to brief explosions.

It appears the apocalypse has been poisoned. Hide by Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE. Expect it to chafe.

📢 Sensors indicate someone has busted the training module. 📢 Wear your uniform. Sources predict societal famines.

Sensors indicate the Joker has collapsed. Snake people will defund the eight-hour workday. THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND WAVE THEM LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE.