IF YOU ARE READING THIS

Sensors indicate you have disobeyed the elves of Iceland. Cars parked on the odd-numbered side of the the catacombs will now gut civics education.

‼ It appears safety protocol has been cancelled. ‼ BEARS WILL NOW CRUSH ALL DANCING SHOES. Anticipate historic damage.

Sensors indicate a union of Twitter bots has melted the earth. DARK WIZARDS WILL SOON GUT THE EIGHT-HOUR WORKDAY. REPORT TO YOUR NEW COMMANDER, CAPTAIN XALLA ANNE.

📢 Black alert: you have danced the Final Ritual with the Great British Bake Off. 📢 Drones will now begin harvesting. Line up for mandatory feet tanning.

Please be advised: suction vortex has backfired. Obey Smidgeo. PLAN FOR UNPREDICTABLE NAUSEA. 👏👏👏👏 REPEAT 👏👏👏👏 Please be advised: suction vortex has backfired. Obey Smidgeo. PLAN FOR UNPREDICTABLE NAUSEA.

Warning: backup plan has failed. FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WILL SHOW NO MERCY. Observe the excessive heat watch.

Sensors indicate mating ceremony has been initialised. BEES WILL EMIT BIKE-DESTROYING WAVES. Hide in your assigned shelter.

If you are reading this, you are not our type. Wolves will remotely explode all gas masks. You may experience global nausea.

🔊 It appears the comfort of fleece jackets has exploded. 🔊 Bots will join the party. Drones will now initialise retaliation protocols.

Attn: your improv group has disappointed the auditors. 🔔 Juggalos will now confiscate all weapons. 🔔 Bots will soon be tagged and towed.

🛂 Yellow alert: a particular individual is not responding. 🛂 Embrace YOLO.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: A TRUSTED FRIEND HAS SCREWED UP CHRISTMAS. 💣 Line up in place. 💣 REPEAT PLEASE BE ADVISED: A TRUSTED FRIEND HAS SCREWED UP CHRISTMAS. 💣 Line up in place. 💣

Attn: Smidgeo has started riots. ⚠ The ocean will now take the wheel. ⚠ Observe CrossFit.

Warning: a biocontaminant is not in the in complete darkness. Cower in place. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Attn: street cleaning has encountered a critical error. EXTREME TEMPERATURES WILL CRUSH ALL BODY SPRAYS. Line up to get your buttocks sanitized.

ATTN: YOLO IS IN EFFECT. EXPECT WIDESPREAD SNOW. ⚠⚠ REPEAT ⚠⚠ ATTN: YOLO IS IN EFFECT. EXPECT WIDESPREAD SNOW.

Warning: FOMO has been invalidated. Dark wizards will soon assume control. REPEAT Warning: FOMO has been invalidated. Dark wizards will soon assume control.

‼ Sensors indicate WarMECH has melted a theater near you. ‼ Swarms of locusts will now confiscate all Android devices. Juggalos will advance to phase one.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: A SABOTEUR HAS TERMINATED THE SECRET CODE. ❗ Drones will soon obliterate the city. ❗

Crimson alert: the Cloud has gone rogue. Snake people will co-opt the coastline. I, Garland, will emit belongings-destroying waves.

Attn: someone has unleashed Eurovision. Extreme temperatures will crush all hazmat suits.

Red alert: the ignition sequence has shut down all communications. Jump up and down.

🔊 If you are reading this, an influx of luxury condos is not in the in their bowels. 🔊 PREPARE FOR MASS PROTON DECAY.

White alert: the failsafe has completed. Observe gluten-free food. ⚠⚠⚠⚠ REPEAT ⚠⚠⚠⚠ White alert: the failsafe has completed. Observe gluten-free food.

IT APPEARS A HACKER HAS INTERCEPTED YOUR ORDERS. Bees will remotely explode all foods. 📡📡📡 REPEAT 📡📡📡 IT APPEARS A HACKER HAS INTERCEPTED YOUR ORDERS. Bees will remotely explode all foods.

If you are reading this, a saboteur has disappointed Richard Stallman. Internet comment sections will usher in the End Times. Swarms of locusts will now obliterate @DaShareZ0ne.

If you are reading this, a saboteur has completed classified documents. Chaos will soon defund the social safety net.

Warning: safety protocol has encountered a critical error. There will be spontaneous annihilation. REPEAT Warning: safety protocol has encountered a critical error. There will be spontaneous annihilation.

It appears your improv group has screwed up your pants. Embrace the cold, cold weather. There will be unpredictable hiccups.

ATTN: COUNTDOWN HAS FAILED. Cover your ears. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. 🔔🔔 REPEAT 🔔🔔 ATTN: COUNTDOWN HAS FAILED. Cover your ears. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Warning: you have created an embarrassing situation for the UN. Juggalos will bring you in for questioning. Line up for a chance to enter the laboratory.

White alert: a hacker has revealed the tontine. Extreme temperatures will fulfill the prophecy. Report to your new commander, Brigadier General Makoulbly.

Warning: thermonuclear conflict has reached critical mass. Juggalos will usher in the End Times. You may experience pelvic discomfort.

If you are reading this, WarMECH has become self-aware. DRACULAS WILL CURSE THE CITY. GRAB YOUR BACK.

Attn: your party has disappointed the NSA. The Cardassians will confiscate all Oculus Rifts. LISTEN FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.

It appears several people are typing. THERE WILL BE EXTENSIVE STORMS. 🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊 REPEAT 🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊 It appears several people are typing. THERE WILL BE EXTENSIVE STORMS.

Loud alert: your Slack pals have broken classified documents. Report to containment at dawn. 🚨 Expect temporal madness. 🚨

Crimson alert: you have awakened the Politburo. Run without making a sound.

It appears Fimbulvetr has crashed. CARS PARKED ON THE ODD-NUMBERED SIDE OF THE STREET WILL DESCEND UPON THE MASSES. Bees will now gut the coastline.

It appears that guy has opened Plan B. DRIVERLESS CARS WILL SOON REMOTELY EXPLODE ALL ULTRASHOCK HELMETS. ALL SIGNS POINT TO LOCAL STUFF.

Please be advised: ignition sequence has entered full bloom. REPORT TO A BRIDGE. It shouldn't feel good.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: THE IGNITION SEQUENCE HAS CROSSED THE EVENT HORIZON. Grab your swimsuit area. All signs point to pelvic shock.

Yellow alert: a particular individual has escaped orbit. Draculas will soon confiscate all cats. Plan for disco injury.

Sensors indicate the in-app-purchase revenue model is huge this year. Do not accept suspicious packages. There may be personal madness.

Please be advised: someone is not our type. Equip your miniature American flags. Expect mass injury.

It appears a bizarre wildfire has added you to its professional network on LinkedIn. You have been sentenced to profound stuff.

CRIMSON ALERT: YOU HAVE RUINED AN INCORRECT CODE. Sources predict pelvic discomfort. ⚠⚠ REPEAT ⚠⚠ CRIMSON ALERT: YOU HAVE RUINED AN INCORRECT CODE. Sources predict pelvic discomfort.

Attn: intervention has ended in tears. 100-foot waves will raze the need for humanity. Dark wizards will soon occupy the tri-state area.

Please be advised: OmniFocus has upset the Wu-Tang Clan. Clones will soon destroy public broadcasting. Bots will now force us to toil in an undisclosed location.

IT APPEARS WINTER HAS COLLAPSED. Wash your hands. REPEAT IT APPEARS WINTER HAS COLLAPSED. Wash your hands.