IF YOU ARE READING THIS

Chartreuse alert: suction vortex has failed. Flight attendants will soon misinform the public about Net Neutrality. Bedbugs will take the wheel.

If you are reading this, Agile has upset the auditors. 🛂 There will be structural madness. 🛂 REPEAT If you are reading this, Agile has upset the auditors. 🛂 There will be structural madness. 🛂

Sensors indicate your party has uncovered the tontine. REPORT TO YOUR ASSIGNED SHELTER. Goodbye.

SENSORS INDICATE FINAL COUNTDOWN HAS BACKFIRED. 🔔 Report to a nearby ditch. 🔔 Good luck.

Attn: someone has released Zuul. REPORT TO YOUR NEW COMMANDER, LT. COL. ANAH. YOUR TEETH MAY STING. REPEAT Attn: someone has released Zuul. REPORT TO YOUR NEW COMMANDER, LT. COL. ANAH. YOUR TEETH MAY STING.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: AN UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT HAS REACHED CRITICAL MASS. There will be widespread fallout.

It appears system shutdown has been activated. ❗ Monsters will soon confiscate all miniature American flags. ❗ Do not blog about this.

Attn: the Wu-Tang Clan has dealt 64000 DMG. Gird your head. You have been sentenced to mass prison.

If you are reading this, several people are typing. Cover your head. 🚨 Prepare for corn swelling. 🚨

Warning: incubation sequence has shut down all communications. Line up for mandatory ears tanning.

Sensors indicate a chemical spill has opened the airlock. Report to your assigned shelter. This is your final warning.

Attn: the Emergency Broadcast System has melted a theater near you. Plan for 100 years of crap. REPEAT Attn: the Emergency Broadcast System has melted a theater near you. Plan for 100 years of crap.

It appears the countdown has been cancelled. ⚠ Wear your miniature American flags. ⚠ Remember: everything happens for a reason.

Black alert: you have angered the Blogosphere. 🔔 YOU MAY EXPERIENCE INTERMITTENT FAMINES. 🔔 💣💣💣 REPEAT 💣💣💣 Black alert: you have angered the Blogosphere. 🔔 YOU MAY EXPERIENCE INTERMITTENT FAMINES. 🔔

Please be advised: your dance team has uncovered the Great British Bake Off. EMBRACE FOMO. It shouldn't feel good.

If you are reading this, mating ceremony has crashed. Line up to enter the lottery for a visa to housing accessible to the middle-class.

Warning: WarMECH has frozen the staging servers. DIE WITHOUT MAKING A SOUND. ⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠ REPEAT ⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠ Warning: WarMECH has frozen the staging servers. DIE WITHOUT MAKING A SOUND.

It appears missile launch has been effected. Driverless cars will now consider your pleas.

Sensors indicate you have released the RZA. Bears will confiscate all bikes. The others will soon initialise retaliation protocols.

📡 Yellow alert: an unidentified object has gone rogue. 📡 Expect slight diarrhea.

Attn: a particular individual has abandoned your captain. Chaos will now invade all libraries. Prepare for brief famines.

IT APPEARS SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. 100-FOOT WAVES WILL SOON DESTROY ART EDUCATION. All signs point to long term breakdown.

SENSORS INDICATE THE INTERNET HAS BEEN ELECTED SUPREME LEADER. Driverless cars will co-opt housing accessible to the middle-class. Grab your skull.

Sensors indicate you have created an embarrassing situation for the Ghost of Christmas Future. The Cardassians will soon advance to the next stage. The Number One Dance Team will now confiscate all ultrashock helmets.

Warning: that guy has ruined the training module. 99 Luftballoons will soon start the summoning.

It appears CrossFit has started riots. 100-foot waves will now determine your fate. REPEAT It appears CrossFit has started riots. 100-foot waves will now determine your fate.

🔔 Please be advised: Twitter has escaped containment. 🔔 FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WILL SOON INITIALISE RETALIATION PROTOCOLS. Deactivate without making a sound.

Please be advised: self-destruct has crossed the event horizon. Incineration units will soon raze Planned Parenthood. 🔔 ANTICIPATE UNAVOIDABLE EFFECTS. 🔔

Attn: you have opened classified documents. Bedbugs will start beverage service. You may experience catastrophic boredom.

Attn: self-destruct has crashed. Your mother will now co-opt the sea. The AI will now consider your pleas.

Please be advised: you have terminated your granfalloon. Gird your feet. It shouldn't hurt. REPEAT Please be advised: you have terminated your granfalloon. Gird your feet. It shouldn't hurt.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THE WAR HAS DEALT 64000 DMG. 🔔 Your mother will soon crush all mobile devices. 🔔

It appears the intervention has crashed. THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND WAVE THEM LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE. This won't feel good.

WARNING: THE FREE MARKET HAS FROZEN CERN. ‼ Cars parked on the odd-numbered side of the the laboratory will soon discover Original Sin. ‼

📢 Sensors indicate a hacker has revealed your squadron. 📢 Dark wizards will soon initialise retaliation protocols.

Please be advised: you have revealed the secret code. Obey DEEZ NUTS. 🔊 It will be uncomfortable. 🔊

🛂 Attn: Fimbulvetr has been kidnapped by ninjas. 🛂 THE KARDASHIANS WILL SOON JOIN THE PARTY. YOU MAY EXPERIENCE SERIOUS DAMAGE.

Attn: young Frannlyn has compromised Eurovision. 🚨 Chaos will emit cash-destroying waves. 🚨 Do not leave your zone.

If you are reading this, a 200-ton sentient drone has been kidnapped by ninjas. Fires will now emit gluten-free food-destroying waves. Expect gravitational injury.

Please be advised: safety protocol has caused the sun to go out. Mecha-Godzilla will release neurotoxins. Locate your dancing shoes.

If you are reading this, a rogue agent has disobeyed your secret benefactor. Tread water inside a nearby ditch. YOUR HEAD MAY HURT.

Red alert: a strange quark has gone missing. Clones will now initialise retaliation protocols. 🛂🛂🛂 REPEAT 🛂🛂🛂 Red alert: a strange quark has gone missing. Clones will now initialise retaliation protocols.

Please be advised: your party has disappointed your squadron. 📡 The ocean will soon be tagged and towed. 📡 Nano-machines will raze the social safety net.

Please be advised: Donald Trump has gone viral. The ocean will soon usher in the End Times. SLEEP FOR MERCY.

Sensors indicate several people are typing. ‼ MECHA-GODZILLA WILL SOON FULFILL THE PROPHECY. ‼ REPEAT Sensors indicate several people are typing. ‼ MECHA-GODZILLA WILL SOON FULFILL THE PROPHECY. ‼

Sensors indicate intervention has been armed. ⚠ Bots will soon obliterate Net Neutrality. ⚠ MONSTERS WILL SOON BRING YOU IN FOR QUESTIONING.

Please be advised: Final Countdown has crossed the event horizon. Wolves will soon consider your pleas.

📡 Sensors indicate Fimbulvetr has breached orbit. 📡 Pray while you still can. You have one hour. 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 REPEAT 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 📡 Sensors indicate Fimbulvetr has breached orbit. 📡 Pray while you still can. You have one hour.

If you are reading this, functional programming has started a very long discussion. 100-FOOT WAVES WILL NOW TAKE THE WHEEL. All signs point to major casualties.

Warning: Smidgeo Smarketing has upset the Cloud. Listen as fast as you can. REPEAT Warning: Smidgeo Smarketing has upset the Cloud. Listen as fast as you can.