IF YOU ARE READING THIS

Sensors indicate the suction vortex has backfired. You may experience massive disorientation. REPEAT Sensors indicate the suction vortex has backfired. You may experience massive disorientation.

It appears suction vortex has entered full bloom. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. It will chafe for a few days.

Crimson alert: Creationism has been invalidated. You have been sentenced to irreversible prison. REPEAT Crimson alert: Creationism has been invalidated. You have been sentenced to irreversible prison.

Sensors indicate you have released Weird Twitter. Incineration units will advance to the next stage. PREPARE FOR SPORADIC BOREDOM.

It appears incubation sequence has reached the point of no return. Extreme temperatures will now emit clothing-destroying waves. You have been sentenced to 1024 years of ennui.

Warning: the war has frozen the critical path. DO NOT CALL BUSTERS, GHOST- OR OTHERWISE. It shouldn't sting.

Attn: the countdown has completed. The Cardassians will soon start the summoning. The hivemind will soon assume control.

If you are reading this, mating ceremony has shut down all communications. Prepare your clothing. EXPECT BRIEF DISORIENTATION.

Sensors indicate microservice-based architecture is now mandatory. Draculas will gut the middle class. 🚨 Clasp your buttocks. 🚨

Warning: you are not on schedule. The elders will now raze affordable neighborhoods. 📢 SNAKE PEOPLE WILL CRUSH ALL MINIATURE AMERICAN FLAGS. 📢

IT APPEARS SAFETY PROTOCOL HAS BEEN ARMED. The Kardashians will defund @DaShareZ0ne. Do not take your garbage to the curb.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, FUNCTIONAL PROGRAMMING IS IN EFFECT. All signs point to some panic.

Warning: someone has released Team Rocket. Remove your towel. 💣 EXPECT IT TO STING. 💣

ATTN: THE IN-APP-PURCHASE REVENUE MODEL HAS EXPLODED. Report to your new commander, Lt. Touger Joseph.

Sensors indicate a new and updated Hitler has taken the post of president. Report to your new commander, Lt. Eibelle.

Attn: you have compromised the tontine. Dark wizards will make final preparations. Chaos will now increase your rent by $1000.

Sensors indicate you are not a good fit for our culture. 💣 Report to a nearby ditch. 💣 GOODBYE. REPEAT Sensors indicate you are not a good fit for our culture. 💣 Report to a nearby ditch. 💣 GOODBYE.

Sensors indicate you have activated the secret code. 📢 THE SURVIVORS WILL SOON SPARE NO ONE. 📢 REPEAT Sensors indicate you have activated the secret code. 📢 THE SURVIVORS WILL SOON SPARE NO ONE. 📢

Black alert: cat ownership is now banned. Do not reply to this message. 🚨🚨🚨🚨 REPEAT 🚨🚨🚨🚨 Black alert: cat ownership is now banned. Do not reply to this message.

Loud alert: your comrades have angered the Great British Bake Off. 📡 Machines will soon colonize affordable neighborhoods. 📡

Attn: a rogue agent has betrayed a 800-ft. tall sentient Twitter bot. YOU HAVE BEEN SENTENCED TO MILD BOREDOM.

Please be advised: the incubation sequence has disappeared. OUR NEW INSECT OVERLORDS WILL SOON GUT THE MIDDLE CLASS.

Chartreuse alert: Tropical Depression Onbin has frozen the shelter. 🚨 Moisten your loins. 🚨 Anticipate slight damage.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: YOUR IMPROV GROUP HAS RUINED CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. Jump up and down. Anticipate major discomfort.

Sensors indicate the Fimbulvetr has encountered a critical error. Duck inside your assigned shelter.

It appears functional programming has exploded. Team Rocket will crush all foods.

It appears a hacker has uncovered the Great British Bake Off. 🛂 Draculas will assume control. 🛂 🛂🛂 REPEAT 🛂🛂 It appears a hacker has uncovered the Great British Bake Off. 🛂 Draculas will assume control. 🛂

Attn: that guy has unleashed the Blogosphere. DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOU. ⚠ This is not a test. ⚠ 👏 REPEAT 👏 Attn: that guy has unleashed the Blogosphere. DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOU. ⚠ This is not a test. ⚠

Orange alert: the cost of higher education has been kidnapped by ninjas. Trained experts will show no mercy. Machines will soon drive up rent in Antarctica.

💣 Sensors indicate several people are typing. 💣 Report to your new commander, Sgt. Glowter Oswald. Good luck.

If you are reading this, that guy has angered Zuul. ‼ Obey YOLO. ‼ REPEAT If you are reading this, that guy has angered Zuul. ‼ Obey YOLO. ‼

Attn: a 200-ton sentient Twitter bot has frozen the building. 🔔 Dark wizards will obliterate Antarctica. 🔔 Anticipate extensive proton decay.

Warning: your improv group has broken your private key. NANO-MACHINES WILL NOW CONSIDER YOUR PLEAS. Expect catastrophic explosions.

📢 If you are reading this, you have disappointed Eurovision. 📢 Do not take off your oxygen mask. It will be uncomfortable.

Please be advised: Donald Trump has left the containment chamber. Nano-machines will discover Smidgeo Smarketing. Line up to receive your mandatory valuables.

Warning: Final Countdown has been effected. Wolves will soon drive up rent in the horizon. THERE MAY BE SOME ANNIHILATION.

Please be advised: DEEZ NUTS is now mandatory. Extreme temperatures will now curse the coastline. THERE WILL BE IRREVERSIBLE DELAYS.

Warning: a particular individual has crossed America's Next Top Model. Unattended children will now emit vaporizer-destroying waves.

Please be advised: permadeath is now mandatory. The Number One Dance Team will now make the Western hemisphere unrecognizable. YOUR MOTHER WILL SOON DETERMINE YOUR FATE.

IT APPEARS EMERGENCY PROCEDURE HAS BEEN CANCELLED. Prepare your gluten-free food.

It appears mating ceremony has crashed. Bots will make final preparations.

It appears Creationism is in effect. GET YOUR MOBILE DEVICES. Expect it to feel good. REPEAT It appears Creationism is in effect. GET YOUR MOBILE DEVICES. Expect it to feel good.

IT APPEARS FIMBULVETR HAS ESCAPED ORBIT. Monsters will now crush all hazmat suits.

Please be advised: the failsafe has been activated. The AI will now fulfill the prophecy. Jump up and down.

Pale alert: your improv group has compromised the secret code. Line up to enter the lottery for a visa to the coastline. ⚠ It shouldn't sting. ⚠

Loud alert: you have forgotten the mission. Report to the defences at dawn. You have been sentenced to unpredictable annihilation.

Attn: system shutdown has initiated. I, Garland, will now report to headquarters. ‼ THE NUMBER ONE DANCE TEAM WILL NOW EMIT LOTTERY TICKET-DESTROYING WAVES. ‼

SENSORS INDICATE SOMEONE HAS DESTROYED CITY HALL. Shelter under a nearby ditch. PLAN FOR TERMINAL INJURY.

Sensors indicate launch sequence has caused the sun to go out. Line up for your buttocks tattoo. It could hurt.

CHARTREUSE ALERT: BACKUP PLAN HAS BEEN INITIALISED. Sources predict spatial collapse. 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 REPEAT 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 CHARTREUSE ALERT: BACKUP PLAN HAS BEEN INITIALISED. Sources predict spatial collapse.