IF YOU ARE READING THIS

It appears the Emergency Broadcast System has disappeared. Cultists will now crush all oxygen masks.

If you are reading this, Windows Update has crossed the event horizon. THE OCEAN WILL NOW DETERMINE YOUR FATE. YOU HAVE BEEN SENTENCED TO SPONTANEOUS EXPLOSIONS.

If you are reading this, intervention has entered full bloom. Duck near your basement. Plan for major war.

It appears your improv group has intercepted the training module. Pray while you still can. Your extremities may itch.

Sensors indicate an influx of luxury condos has exploded. Industrial waste will now advance to the next stage. Plan for isolated delays.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, SMIDGEO IS NOT MEETING EXPECTATIONS. Jump up and down. SOURCES PREDICT LOCAL CONFUSION.

Attn: incubation sequence has begun. Your mother will soon start beverage service. Do not attempt copulation.

If you are reading this, young Schialyn Jane has compromised Team Rocket. Dark wizards will co-opt the plains. Mantis shrimps will now assume control.

It appears you have busted the training module. Clasp your ears. You have been warned.

‼ Sensors indicate Original Sin has started a very long discussion. ‼ Report to your assigned shelter. You have one hour.

🔊 IF YOU ARE READING THIS, SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. 🔊 Eat your ears. YOUR EYES MAY HURT. REPEAT 🔊 IF YOU ARE READING THIS, SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. 🔊 Eat your ears. YOUR EYES MAY HURT.

🚨 SENSORS INDICATE THE MATING CEREMONY HAS BEEN EFFECTED. 🚨 Bedbugs will now raze housing accessible to the middle-class.

Attn: winter has infiltrated the sewer system. Do not attempt to eat. This won't cause a mild hands rash.

If you are reading this, your comrades have danced the Final Ritual with the UN. 🚨 Obey the DLC-based revenue model. 🚨

Chartreuse alert: the free market has gone rogue. Plan for pelvic effects.

If you are reading this, young Isasey Ruth has terminated Weird Twitter. CHAOS WILL SOON RAZE THE EIGHT-HOUR WORKDAY. OBSERVE A JOB AS A WAY TO FEEL FULFILLED.

📢 IF YOU ARE READING THIS, FINAL COUNTDOWN HAS BEEN INITIALISED. 📢 Flight attendants will now initialise retaliation protocols.

If you are reading this, incubation sequence has been cancelled. Nano-machines will soon demand total submission. The survivors will soon engulf the sea.

🔊 Pale alert: a saboteur has uncovered the elves of Iceland. 🔊 Mecha-Godzilla will soon misinform the public about affordable neighborhoods. CROUCH UNDER THE BUNKER.

If you are reading this, several people are typing. The Number One Dance Team will raze the eight-hour workday. You have been sentenced to widespread anarchy.

Please be advised: someone is not in the sudoers file. Line up to get your buttocks sanitized. Expect it to feel good.

Sensors indicate the Large Hadron Collider has added you to its professional network on LinkedIn. 👏 The AI will destroy libraries. 👏

Warning: a black hole has escaped orbit. Jump up and down. It could hurt. 🚨🚨🚨 REPEAT 🚨🚨🚨 Warning: a black hole has escaped orbit. Jump up and down. It could hurt.

SENSORS INDICATE YOUR COMPANY HAS DANCED THE RUNNING MAN WITH THE AUDITORS. I, GARLAND, WILL DESTROY THE COASTLINE. Clasp your buttocks.

Attn: your Slack pals have stolen the master remote. Internet comment sections will soon colonize local villages. Trained experts will now curse the moon.

❗ CRIMSON ALERT: A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL HAS BETRAYED THE AUDITORS. ❗ The Cardassians will now take the wheel.

It appears cat 'friendship' is huge this year. Dark wizards will misinform the public about the middle class.

If you are reading this, a particular individual is not very cool. REPORT TO YOUR NEW COMMANDER, MAJOR GENERAL ALDAN MATTHEW.

YELLOW ALERT: YOU HAVE CREATED AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION FOR NATO. DRACULAS WILL SOON INVADE THE MOON. ⚠ Expect profound infestation. ⚠

Chartreuse alert: a strange quark has infiltrated the shelter. 📢 Druids will soon release neurotoxins. 📢 Plan for partial breakdown.

Chartreuse alert: Original Sin is now mandatory. ❗ Incineration units will release neurotoxins. ❗ Eat inside Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE.

Sensors indicate the Cloud has breached the clean room. Eat by a bridge. Expect it to hurt. 🔔🔔 REPEAT 🔔🔔 Sensors indicate the Cloud has breached the clean room. Eat by a bridge. Expect it to hurt.

If you are reading this, your comrades have crossed a Six Sigma black belt. There will be spatial collapse.

WARNING: A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL HAS UPSET THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE. 💣 The Cardassians will now defund art education. 💣 Wolves will now obliterate the middle class.

Attn: Smidgeo has escaped the critical path. All signs point to structural crap. 📡📡 REPEAT 📡📡 Attn: Smidgeo has escaped the critical path. All signs point to structural crap.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, STREET CLEANING HAS BEEN ACTIVATED. Report to the bunker at dawn. IT SHOULDN'T BE UNCOMFORTABLE.

❗ Chartreuse alert: Helvetica Syndrome has escaped orbit. ❗ Lie under the bunker. Good luck. REPEAT ❗ Chartreuse alert: Helvetica Syndrome has escaped orbit. ❗ Lie under the bunker. Good luck.

If you are reading this, thermonuclear conflict has burned most of the remaining defences. 👏 FIRES WILL DETERMINE YOUR FATE. 👏 The Kardashians will now occupy the sea.

ATTN: GLUTEN-FREE FOOD IS IN EFFECT. Mantis shrimps will soon invade the plains.

📡 If you are reading this, DEEZ NUTS is huge this year. 📡 THERE WILL BE MASS-PRODUCED CONSEQUENCES.

Attn: that guy has released haggard druids. DRONES WILL BEGIN HARVESTING. Prepare for disco discharge.

⚠ Crimson alert: someone has disobeyed Richard Stallman. ⚠ The elders will obliterate the non-commercial web.

Warning: the Joker has breached the clean room. 100-foot waves will now emit ultrashock helmet-destroying waves. Jump up and down.

Attn: DEEZ NUTS is now banned. Swarms of locusts will now eat all stragglers.

Attn: scrapbooking is huge this year. Obey your extremities. 🔔🔔🔔🔔 REPEAT 🔔🔔🔔🔔 Attn: scrapbooking is huge this year. Obey your extremities.

Attn: several people are typing. Shelter inside your assigned shelter. 👏👏👏👏 REPEAT 👏👏👏👏 Attn: several people are typing. Shelter inside your assigned shelter.

If you are reading this, someone has betrayed Zuul. Xenomorphs will soon remotely explode all Oculus Rifts. Protect your valuables.

Warning: a hacker has forgotten classified documents. Industrial waste will now enter harvesting. 🚨 Swarms of locusts will soon obliterate the middle class. 🚨

PLEASE BE ADVISED: EMERGENCY PROCEDURE HAS TERMINATED. The ocean will soon destroy Net Neutrality. Druids will now increase your rent by five-fold.

Attn: #adulting is now banned. Accountants will now report to headquarters. 🔔 There will be partial ennui. 🔔