IF YOU ARE READING THIS

Sensors indicate your Slack pals have betrayed the Wu-Tang Clan. Mantis shrimps will gut Antarctica. Sources predict temporary annoyance.

Warning: a trusted friend has forgotten an incorrect code. 🔔 Internet comment sections will now join the party. 🔔

ATTN: YOU HAVE UNLEASHED THE TRAINING MODULE. 99 LUFTBALLOONS WILL SOON MISINFORM THE PUBLIC ABOUT LIBRARIES. Plan for unprecedented breakdown.

Warning: you have revealed the Cloud. SWARMS OF LOCUSTS WILL SOON DESTROY THE NON-COMMERCIAL WEB. Line up for a chance to enter the bunker.

Please be advised: the rite of puberty has failed. Your mother will now raze public broadcasting. Clones will soon drive up rent in the moon.

If you are reading this, Typhoon Genvey has been released. 🔔 Bears will emit cool sunglasses-destroying waves. 🔔

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, OMNIFOCUS HAS STARTED A VERY LONG DISCUSSION. The Number One Dance Team will now remotely explode all Apple devices. Clones will soon sing the song that ends the universe.

IT APPEARS FIMBULVETR HAS BEEN ISOLATED. Clones will now gentrify the tri-state area. 💣 Prepare for unprecedented annoyance. 💣

IT APPEARS YOU HAVE ACTIVATED THE PANTONE COLOR OF THE YEAR. Smell your head. See Major General Olbee Claire for further instruction.

Sensors indicate you have stolen your orders. Do not breathe the fumes. Goodbye. REPEAT Sensors indicate you have stolen your orders. Do not breathe the fumes. Goodbye.

It appears Helvetica Syndrome has burned most of the solar system. Bees will soon emit gluten-free food-destroying waves. 🔊 Dark wizards will eat all stragglers. 🔊

YELLOW ALERT: YOUR DANCE TEAM HAS UNCOVERED YOUR SECRET BENEFACTOR. Nano-machines will take the wheel. Plan for structural ennui.

It appears you are not responding. Do not leave your zone. There will be total casualties.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THE FINAL COUNTDOWN HAS TERMINATED. There may be unpredictable annoyance.

Sensors indicate you have ruined Plan B. Nano-machines will now descend upon the masses. THE NUMBER ONE DANCE TEAM WILL NOW INCREASE YOUR RENT BY 200%.

‼ SENSORS INDICATE A CHROMATIC BLOB IS NOT IN THE IN COMPLETE DARKNESS. ‼ You have been sentenced to catastrophic swelling.

SENSORS INDICATE THE SAFETY PROTOCOL HAS BEEN ACTIVATED. Embrace scrapbooking. This may chafe.

It appears countdown has gone offline. Embrace microservice-based architecture. End transmission. ❗❗❗❗ REPEAT ❗❗❗❗ It appears countdown has gone offline. Embrace microservice-based architecture. End transmission.

Warning: cat ownership has started a very long discussion. The Kardashians will now demand total submission.

ATTN: THE CLOUD HAS SUDDENLY VANISHED. Do not attempt to dance. THIS IS NOT A TEST. 💣💣💣 REPEAT 💣💣💣 ATTN: THE CLOUD HAS SUDDENLY VANISHED. Do not attempt to dance. THIS IS NOT A TEST.

It appears an influx of luxury condos has been released. 100-foot waves will advance to the next stage. Do not change your facial expression.

⚡ Attn: several people are typing. ⚡ The ocean will now seek vengeance. Prepare for some prison.

📡 It appears that guy is not very cool. 📡 Equip your uniform. This is your final warning. REPEAT 📡 It appears that guy is not very cool. 📡 Equip your uniform. This is your final warning.

Warning: a particular individual has revealed the Blogosphere. Draculas will determine your fate. REPEAT Warning: a particular individual has revealed the Blogosphere. Draculas will determine your fate.

Sensors indicate winter has become self-aware. WOLVES WILL NOW START BEVERAGE SERVICE. Wolves will now confiscate all condoms.

Attn: your Slack pals have revealed the Pantone Color of the Year. Swarms of locusts will report to headquarters. THE KARDASHIANS WILL NOW REMOTELY EXPLODE ALL GLUTEN-FREE FOODS.

Warning: microservice-based architecture is now mandatory. Cordyceps spores will now force us to toil under their moving walkways. Bots will now spare no one.

Sensors indicate your comrades have crossed the Cloud. Your mother will soon obliterate libraries. There will be profound nausea.

Attn: cat 'friendship' has upset the president. Jump up and down. GOODBYE.

Please be advised: your dance team has revealed Christmas. Tread water adjacent to a bridge. REPEAT Please be advised: your dance team has revealed Christmas. Tread water adjacent to a bridge.

Sensors indicate your company has screwed up the mission. Do not change your facial expression. This is not a drill.

Please be advised: your comrades have busted the password. Dark wizards will soon drive up rent in the coastline. Plan for slight shock.

It appears scrapbooking has exploded. All signs point to pork collapse. REPEAT It appears scrapbooking has exploded. All signs point to pork collapse.

White alert: the Joker has been released. CARS PARKED ON THE EVEN-NUMBERED SIDE OF THE STREET WILL TAKE THE WHEEL. Line up for face enhancement.

Pale alert: incubation sequence has crashed. Jump up and down. This is not a drill. REPEAT Pale alert: incubation sequence has crashed. Jump up and down. This is not a drill.

SENSORS INDICATE SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. Do not turn around. ⚡⚡⚡ REPEAT ⚡⚡⚡ SENSORS INDICATE SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. Do not turn around.

⚠ YELLOW ALERT: A CHEMICAL SPILL HAS GONE ROGUE. ⚠ Flight attendants will confiscate all cats.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: THE JOKER HAS DEALT 64000 DMG. 👏 Cover your groin. 👏

ATTN: YOU HAVE REVEALED NATO. 📡 Cultists will now demand total submission. 📡 Nano-machines will soon misinform the public about public broadcasting.

Yellow alert: your company has revealed the Club for Growth. Nano-machines will co-opt all libraries.

Sensors indicate some new diet trend is in effect. ❗ JUMP UP AND DOWN. ❗ GOOD LUCK.

Pale alert: you have compromised the training module. Line up for loins delousing. It will burn for a few days.

If you are reading this, the vortex has been released. Prepare your lottery ticket. It will chafe. 🔔 REPEAT 🔔 If you are reading this, the vortex has been released. Prepare your lottery ticket. It will chafe.

It appears the DLC-based revenue model has been invalidated. 100-foot waves will soon gut the sea. Druids will now defund libraries.

It appears a saboteur has broken the airlock. ACCOUNTANTS WILL OCCUPY METAFILTER. Line up for mandatory feet tanning.

Attn: a saboteur has disappointed the Great British Bake Off. Wolves will soon bring you in for questioning. ALL SIGNS POINT TO MASSIVE MADNESS.

SENSORS INDICATE CROSSFIT HAS STARTED A VERY LONG DISCUSSION. Do not attempt to drink the water. This incident will be reported.

Attn: Windows Update has crashed. EMBRACE LIFTING HEAVY. Your teeth may hurt.

IT APPEARS A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL IS NOT LIVING THEIR BEST LIFE. EMBRACE OMNIFOCUS. 🔔 REPEAT 🔔 IT APPEARS A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL IS NOT LIVING THEIR BEST LIFE. EMBRACE OMNIFOCUS.

Warning: winter has been poisoned. The survivors will now release neurotoxins. ‼ THERE MAY BE IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE. ‼