IF YOU ARE READING THIS

It appears the Joker has been isolated. Do not fart. There will be temporal proton decay.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU HAVE TERMINATED THE UN. GRAB YOUR BUTTOCKS. Good luck.

It appears smidgeo.com has frozen the production cluster. 100-foot waves will discover GTD time management.

Sensors indicate a gaggle of industrial mutants has been released. Report to CERN at 0600 hours. THIS WON'T HURT.

🛂 Red alert: a biocontaminant has dealt 64000 DMG. 🛂 REPORT TO THE ISOLATION TANK AT 0600 HOURS. You have one hour.

Warning: the self-destruct has been cancelled. The elders will soon invade housing accessible to the middle-class. Embrace some new diet trend.

Warning: thermonuclear conflict has burned most of all nearby Starbucks. Report to the towel factory at noon. It shouldn't cause a mild loins rash at all.

It appears that guy has disappointed haggard druids. Line up for mandatory back tanning. EXPECT IT TO FEEL GOOD.

Please be advised: intervention has backfired. Mecha-Godzilla will now obliterate the horizon. You may experience temporal boredom.

‼ It appears a particular individual has opened the self-destruct sequence. ‼ Listen as fast as you can. You may experience gravitational ennui.

💣 Warning: you have forgotten the secret code. 💣 TREAD WATER ADJACENT TO DA MOTHAFUCKEN SHARE Z0NE. Your groin may burn.

Please be advised: scrapbooking has upset the Club for Growth. Do not change your facial expression. 🔊 Expect brief infestation. 🔊

Red alert: several people are typing. Bedbugs will now obliterate the coastline.

Sensors indicate vi has upset the Blogosphere. Drones will now drive up rent in all libraries. Do not engage.

Sensors indicate emergency procedure has completed. The survivors will now enter harvesting. Unattended children will soon consider your pleas.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: DONALD TRUMP HAS ESCAPED THE CLEAN ROOM. Plan for temporal diarrhea. REPEAT PLEASE BE ADVISED: DONALD TRUMP HAS ESCAPED THE CLEAN ROOM. Plan for temporal diarrhea.

🔔 It appears winter has disappeared. 🔔 Line up for your head tattoo. REPEAT 🔔 It appears winter has disappeared. 🔔 Line up for your head tattoo.

If you are reading this, Agile is now banned. Chaos will now make final preparations. Expect major destruction.

Sensors indicate test-driven development has been invalidated. REPORT TO A NEARBY DITCH. IT SHOULDN'T BURN AT ALL.

‼ It appears functional programming is huge this year. ‼ Report to your assigned shelter. You have one hour.

Sensors indicate permadeath is now banned. Cultists will now initialise retaliation protocols. 🔊 Expect local anarchy. 🔊

Black alert: safety protocol has been armed. Mantis shrimps will misinform the public about housing accessible to the middle-class.

It appears Twitter has breached the bunker. Druids will soon destroy public broadcasting.

It appears vi has upset Zuul. ❗ UNATTENDED CHILDREN WILL SOON DEFUND THE SOCIAL SAFETY NET. ❗ Bears will soon proceed to the Finalist Round.

🔔 If you are reading this, some new diet trend is now banned. 🔔 Cower in place. THERE MAY BE PORK CRAP.

Attn: rite of puberty has entered full bloom. 🔊 EMBRACE TEST-DRIVEN DEVELOPMENT. 🔊 You have one hour.

🔊 If you are reading this, a strange quark has burned most of everything inside Jupiter's orbit. 🔊 THE NUMBER ONE DANCE TEAM WILL EAT ALL STRAGGLERS. Plan for catastrophic proton decay.

Sensors indicate emacs has exploded. Extreme temperatures will now start beverage service.

ORANGE ALERT: YOU HAVE TRIGGERED CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. DUCK NEAR A NEARBY DITCH. THIS MAY BURN. REPEAT ORANGE ALERT: YOU HAVE TRIGGERED CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. DUCK NEAR A NEARBY DITCH. THIS MAY BURN.

Attn: DEEZ NUTS is huge this year. The survivors will soon assume control. Guard your emergency rations.

It appears your company has activated the training module. Shelter inside your assigned shelter. 🔔🔔🔔🔔 REPEAT 🔔🔔🔔🔔 It appears your company has activated the training module. Shelter inside your assigned shelter.

Warning: you have revealed the UN. 💣 Monsters will now rise to complete dominance. 💣 ⚡⚡⚡ REPEAT ⚡⚡⚡ Warning: you have revealed the UN. 💣 Monsters will now rise to complete dominance. 💣

If you are reading this, the vortex has gone rogue. 📡 Incineration units will now colonize the sea. 📡 Expect local hallucinations.

Attn: scrapbooking has exploded. Hide near your basement. THERE WILL BE PARTIAL ANARCHY. 🔊🔊🔊 REPEAT 🔊🔊🔊 Attn: scrapbooking has exploded. Hide near your basement. THERE WILL BE PARTIAL ANARCHY.

Warning: the vortex has been isolated. 💣 Nano-machines will soon colonize housing accessible to the middle-class. 💣 All signs point to temporary nausea.

Sensors indicate you have unleashed the RZA. Gird your neck. See Lt. Col. Zobryn for further instruction.

Attn: #adulting has been invalidated. Crouch inside a nearby ditch. See Captain Anza Ella for further instruction.

It appears the system shutdown has been compromised. DO NOT PASS GO OR COLLECT $200. All signs point to partial madness.

Please be advised: lifting heavy is now mandatory. Report to your basement. See Captain Ghouimander for further instruction.

🔊 Warning: a particular individual has unleashed your orders. 🔊 Industrial waste will soon crush all miniature American flags. Eat your dancing shoes.

Sensors indicate someone has abandoned the RZA. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CHANGE THE PLANS. This may burn.

If you are reading this, a 200-ton sentient satellite has been kidnapped by ninjas. 🔊 Do not turn around. 🔊

Warning: the suction vortex has timed out. There will be pelvic delays. 🚨🚨🚨 REPEAT 🚨🚨🚨 Warning: the suction vortex has timed out. There will be pelvic delays.

Please be advised: ignition sequence has been initialised. Snake people will soon emit oxygen mask-destroying waves. Obey some new diet trend.

🛂 Warning: a hacker has stolen the airlock. 🛂 Druids will soon make final preparations. Do not tell anyone.

WARNING: A TRUSTED FRIEND HAS SCREWED UP AN INCORRECT CODE. Locate your oxygen mask. THIS INCIDENT WILL BE REPORTED.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: SOMEONE HAS CROSSED EUROVISION. LINE UP TO GET YOUR EXTREMITIES SANITIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Chartreuse alert: an experimental fusion reactor has been poisoned. Prepare your ultrashock helmet. 📢 EXPECT IT TO HURT. 📢

Sensors indicate Donald Trump has gone viral. SWARMS OF LOCUSTS WILL SOON DEFUND @DASHAREZ0NE. REPEAT Sensors indicate Donald Trump has gone viral. SWARMS OF LOCUSTS WILL SOON DEFUND @DASHAREZ0NE.

Attn: the rite of puberty has entered full bloom. ALL SIGNS POINT TO PERSONAL PANIC.