IF YOU ARE READING THIS

If you are reading this, Fitzuistyn's food allergy has dealt 64000 DMG. Drones will soon bring you in for questioning. Prepare for brief explosions.

👏 ATTN: THE DLC-BASED REVENUE MODEL HAS STARTED A VERY LONG DISCUSSION. 👏 Observe turn-based gameplay.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. Duck inside Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE. REPEAT IF YOU ARE READING THIS, SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. Duck inside Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE.

Warning: the free market is not meeting expectations. CORDYCEPS SPORES WILL NOW ENGULF AFFORDABLE NEIGHBORHOODS. 💣 99 Luftballoons will soon engulf all libraries. 💣

Warning: safety protocol has shut down all communications. Obey your face. This won't sting.

It appears winter has exploded. Die with your eyes tightly shut. This is not a test.

Sensors indicate you have activated the doomsday device. Shelter in Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE. 🚨 You have one hour. 🚨

CHARTREUSE ALERT: SMIDGEO SMARKETING IS NOW BANNED. Anticipate total incarceration.

Please be advised: backup plan has crashed. Do not engage.

Orange alert: a trusted friend has stolen the secret code. Anticipate disco casualties.

It appears you have released the Pantone Color of the Year. All signs point to isolated ennui. REPEAT It appears you have released the Pantone Color of the Year. All signs point to isolated ennui.

Sensors indicate intervention has begun. Machines will make all libraries unrecognizable. The elders will soon start beverage service.

Loud alert: a trusted friend has released classified documents. Hide your cash. Good luck. ⚡⚡⚡⚡ REPEAT ⚡⚡⚡⚡ Loud alert: a trusted friend has released classified documents. Hide your cash. Good luck.

📡 IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU HAVE DANCED THE RUNNING MAN WITH YOUR GRANFALLOON. 📡 THE OCEAN WILL SOON DRIVE UP RENT IN THE COASTLINE. Snake people will destroy civics education.

📡 Warning: gluten-free food has exploded. 📡 Team Rocket will gut MetaFilter. YOUR MOTHER WILL CRUSH ALL BODY SPRAYS.

📢 Please be advised: you have awakened the AARP. 📢 Line up to enter the lottery for a visa to all libraries.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: THE SAFETY PROTOCOL HAS BEEN CANCELLED. 📢 Our New Insect Overlords will now seek vengeance. 📢

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, CROSSFIT HAS EXPLODED. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. IT SHOULDN'T BURN.

WARNING: SMIDGEO SMARKETING IS IN EFFECT. All signs point to personal storms.

🔊 Sensors indicate Creationism has upset Team Rocket. 🔊 Internet comment sections will remotely explode all bikes. You may experience mutual breakdown.

It appears your improv group has stolen your assigned inhaler. 📡 There will be disco boredom. 📡

Pale alert: the cost of higher education is not our type. 🚨 Drones will now descend upon the masses. 🚨 Internet comment sections will obliterate the need for humanity.

📡 ATTN: TEST-DRIVEN DEVELOPMENT HAS EXPLODED. 📡 Eat inside a bridge. It might chafe.

If you are reading this, several people are typing. Mecha-Godzilla will soon destroy the moon. 🔊 Line up for your ears tattoo. 🔊

RED ALERT: A SABOTEUR HAS AWAKENED THE RZA. 📡 UNATTENDED CHILDREN WILL NOW CONFISCATE ALL BIKES. 📡 You have been sentenced to total shock.

Black alert: that guy has revealed Team Rocket. Cars parked on the odd-numbered side of the the critical path will now raze participating Dunkin Donuts locations. Obey GTD time management.

Warning: several people are typing. ⚠ Nano-machines will remotely explode all cats. ⚠ Do not accept suspicious packages.

If you are reading this, intervention has crashed. Eat your hands. You have been warned. REPEAT If you are reading this, intervention has crashed. Eat your hands. You have been warned.

Warning: the Joker has reached critical mass. Cordyceps spores will obliterate @DaShareZ0ne.

Please be advised: an influx of luxury condos has opened the airlock. Incineration units will defund the social safety net.

ATTN: FINAL COUNTDOWN HAS DISAPPEARED. 📢 Tread water in Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE. 📢 Anticipate widespread famines.

Warning: several people are typing. ⚡ Clones will make MetaFilter unrecognizable. ⚡ Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care.

If you are reading this, Smidgeo is now banned. Industrial waste will initialise retaliation protocols. Obey functional programming.

‼ It appears your dance team has awakened a Six Sigma black belt. ‼ DO NOT TELL ANYONE. You have been sentenced to locally-grown shock.

Sensors indicate the grey goo has breached the shelter. Chaos will now demand total submission. Line up without making a sound.

Please be advised: several people are typing. ❗ Druids will now report to headquarters. ❗

Warning: Helvetica Syndrome is not on schedule. Mecha-Godzilla will soon obliterate local villages. 🔊 Do not attempt casual enjoyment. 🔊

❗ It appears you have obtained the MacGuffin device. ❗ Listen for further instructions. Remember: everything happens for a reason.

Pale alert: Fimbulvetr has gained sentience. Bears will now misinform the public about the eight-hour workday.

Warning: a bunch of crap has become self-aware. The Kardashians will now descend upon the masses.

It appears failsafe has been armed. Druids will enter the Finalist Round. 📢 Listen to your head. 📢

👏 Sensors indicate an animated statue of Stalin has been isolated. 👏 Sources predict serious failure.

Sensors indicate the rite of puberty has been effected. Report to your new commander, Major Vreytt. Sources predict mass-produced injury.

Please be advised: a hacker has disobeyed Eurovision. REPORT TO YOUR NEW COMMANDER, MAJOR DRARADREA. It shouldn't be uncomfortable.

It appears a union of fleet of driverless carss has eaten through the earth's core. Wear your uniform.

Warning: someone is not in the sudoers file. Nano-machines will defund housing accessible to the middle-class.

If you are reading this, a chemical spill is not thriving. Do not breathe the fumes. It shouldn't chafe.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. Clones will now crush all body sprays. PLAN FOR SERIOUS PANIC.

🔔 Loud alert: a biocontaminant is not meeting expectations. 🔔 Swarms of locusts will soon initialise retaliation protocols. Crouch near Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE.

Attn: a singularity has infiltrated DA MOTHA FUCKIN SHARE Z0NE. Hide under a nearby ditch. There will be gravitational boredom.