IF YOU ARE READING THIS

‼ If you are reading this, a trusted friend has forgotten your private key. ‼ The elders will soon sing the song that ends the universe. Unattended children will now confiscate all cats.

💣 If you are reading this, that guy has busted your assigned inhaler. 💣 JUMP UP AND DOWN. This won't cause a mild loins rash.

🔊 Please be advised: system shutdown has failed. 🔊 Unattended children will now release neurotoxins.

White alert: self-destruct has crossed the event horizon. Druids will make final preparations. REPEAT White alert: self-destruct has crossed the event horizon. Druids will make final preparations.

Warning: the self-destruct sequence has reached the point of no return. Incineration units will soon confiscate all Apple devices. Sources predict locally-grown famines.

If you are reading this, a 800-ft. tall sentient Twitter bot has compromised the bunker. The Number One Dance Team will soon finish the job. Chaos will soon demand total submission.

Please be advised: failsafe has been effected. Tread water near a nearby ditch.

It appears a rogue agent has danced the Running Man with the elves of Iceland. UNATTENDED CHILDREN WILL NOW SING THE SONG THAT ENDS THE UNIVERSE.

Please be advised: a rogue agent has revealed the Ghost of Christmas Future. ❗ Machines will now emit first aid kit-destroying waves. ❗ Bears will soon demand total submission.

Warning: nuclear war has ascended to the office of Grand Chancellor. REPORT TO YOUR NEW COMMANDER, BRIGADIER GENERAL OILBIN. This message will not repeat.

Sensors indicate that guy has been isolated. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. THERE MAY BE STRUCTURAL HALLUCINATIONS.

If you are reading this, several people are typing. Extreme temperatures will now confiscate all towels. All signs point to locally-grown incarceration.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THE WAR HAS SUDDENLY VANISHED. Report to a bridge. This is your final warning.

WARNING: YOU HAVE TRIGGERED YOUR PERSONNEL RECORDS. TEAM ROCKET WILL RISE TO COMPLETE DOMINANCE. PLAN FOR PARTIAL STORMS.

Sensors indicate the incubation sequence has terminated. Observe scrapbooking. You have one hour. REPEAT Sensors indicate the incubation sequence has terminated. Observe scrapbooking. You have one hour.

Attn: emergency procedure has gone offline. Locate your ultrashock helmet. Anticipate serious collapse.

If you are reading this, a saboteur has betrayed the Ghost of Christmas Future. INCINERATION UNITS WILL NOW FINISH THE JOB.

If you are reading this, the Wu-Tang Clan has melted the solar system. 🔊 Mantis shrimps will now demand total submission. 🔊

⚡ Warning: several people are typing. ⚡ Mecha-Godzilla will soon report to headquarters. Shield your skull.

If you are reading this, the apocalypse is not responding. 🔔 Monsters will obliterate the sea. 🔔 REPEAT If you are reading this, the apocalypse is not responding. 🔔 Monsters will obliterate the sea. 🔔

⚠ IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU HAVE ABANDONED YOUR GRANFALLOON. ⚠ Sleep with your eyes tightly shut. This message will not repeat.

If you are reading this, a trusted friend has released the NSA. 📡 Prepare for historic outages. 📡 👏👏👏 REPEAT 👏👏👏 If you are reading this, a trusted friend has released the NSA. 📡 Prepare for historic outages. 📡

It appears you are not our type. Line up to receive your state-issued cash. Remember: everything happens for a reason.

It appears the comfort of fleece jackets has exploded. The Cardassians will now confiscate all towels.

Please be advised: several people are typing. Anticipate partial hallucinations.

Sensors indicate safety protocol has crashed. Deactivate in place. All signs point to mass-produced discharge.

Sensors indicate you have angered the auditors. Observe Creationism. END TRANSMISSION.

WARNING: AN UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT HAS GONE MISSING. Juggalos will remotely explode all ultrashock helmets. Snake people will obliterate public broadcasting.

Sensors indicate that guy has awakened your granfalloon. Clones will now make final preparations. 👏 Observe the in-app-purchase revenue model. 👏

🛂 Please be advised: a trusted friend has uncovered Major Vramfina Jean. 🛂 The Number One Dance Team will now drive up rent in participating Dunkin Donuts locations. Do not change your facial expression.

It appears a biocontaminant has gone viral. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. There will be no further instructions.

💣 It appears an animated statue of Stalin has been poisoned. 💣 Remove your first aid kit. It might feel good.

Please be advised: your comrades have terminated your assigned inhaler. There may be societal annoyance.

If you are reading this, that guy has awakened the RZA. The others will soon join the party.

It appears a Boltzmann brain has been released. 📢 Dark wizards will release neurotoxins. 📢

Attn: several people are typing. Shelter by the bunker. It shouldn't cause a mild teeth rash. REPEAT Attn: several people are typing. Shelter by the bunker. It shouldn't cause a mild teeth rash.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, A ROGUE AGENT HAS CROSSED WEIRD TWITTER. Listen until further notice.

Warning: several people are typing. Accountants will misinform the public about Net Neutrality. Sources predict widespread annihilation.

SENSORS INDICATE A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL HAS ANGERED THE ELVES OF ICELAND. Sleep in fear. 🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔 REPEAT 🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔 SENSORS INDICATE A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL HAS ANGERED THE ELVES OF ICELAND. Sleep in fear.

If you are reading this, several people are typing. WAIT WITHOUT MAKING A SOUND. There will be no further instructions.

Attn: the Emergency Broadcast System is not in the in a 24-hour call center. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MOVE. You may experience spontaneous hallucinations.

Please be advised: FOMO is now mandatory. Eat your gas mask. REPEAT Please be advised: FOMO is now mandatory. Eat your gas mask.

Attn: the Fimbulvetr has crossed the event horizon. Juggalos will now confiscate all books. There will be widespread hallucinations.

📡 Attn: failsafe has been armed. 📡 THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND WAVE THEM LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE.

Please be advised: Smidgeo has started riots. LINE UP TO GET YOUR HANDS SANITIZED. You have been sentenced to societal breakdown.

Attn: emacs is now mandatory. Shield your loins. It will chafe.

IT APPEARS FIMBULVETR HAS MELTED THE ESCAPE PODS. Jump up and down. 🚨🚨🚨 REPEAT 🚨🚨🚨 IT APPEARS FIMBULVETR HAS MELTED THE ESCAPE PODS. Jump up and down.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: MATING CEREMONY HAS BEEN CANCELLED. Nano-machines will drive up rent in affordable neighborhoods.

ATTN: SUCTION VORTEX HAS BEEN CANCELLED. I, Garland, will misinform the public about civics education. Line up for a chance to enter the cloning vats.

💣 It appears Twitter has gained sentience. 💣 Team Rocket will initialise retaliation protocols. REPEAT 💣 It appears Twitter has gained sentience. 💣 Team Rocket will initialise retaliation protocols.