IF YOU ARE READING THIS

If you are reading this, suction vortex has shut down all communications. Cars parked on the odd-numbered side of the street will now advance to the next stage. Bears will gut the middle class.

Sensors indicate emergency procedure has caused the sun to go out. 📡 THERE MAY BE IRREVERSIBLE INJURY. 📡

Attn: Fimbulvetr has been initialised. 📡 99 Luftballoons will now usher in the End Times. 📡

It appears a saboteur has disobeyed haggard druids. Cultists will soon report to headquarters. REPEAT It appears a saboteur has disobeyed haggard druids. Cultists will soon report to headquarters.

It appears the Emergency Broadcast System has collapsed. DRACULAS WILL DETERMINE YOUR FATE. Obey some new diet trend.

👏 If you are reading this, system shutdown has completed. 👏 Plan for intermittent famines.

It appears your company has angered the elves of Iceland. ‼ HOLD ONTO YOUR LOINS. ‼ This may chafe.

Sensors indicate the Wu-Tang Clan has breached the facility. 📡 Xenomorphs will soon rise to complete dominance. 📡 Swarms of locusts will drive up rent in all libraries.

🚨 If you are reading this, rite of puberty has terminated. 🚨 Line up with your eyes tightly shut. This message will not repeat.

Warning: a hacker has intercepted your orders. Report to your basement. SOURCES PREDICT LOCAL FALLOUT.

🔔 SENSORS INDICATE THE COMFORT OF FLEECE JACKETS IS IN EFFECT. 🔔 Do not attempt to stop the vehicle.

Sensors indicate the countdown has completed. OBSERVE FOMO. IT WILL FEEL GOOD.

Please be advised: the grey goo has added you to its professional network on LinkedIn. Fires will now remotely explode all miniature American flags. Obey gluten-free food.

IT APPEARS THE DLC-BASED REVENUE MODEL IS HUGE THIS YEAR. Cars parked on the odd-numbered side of the the sewer system will now make final preparations. UNATTENDED CHILDREN WILL NOW CONFISCATE ALL BODY SPRAYS.

Sensors indicate several people are typing. Prepare for mutual snow. ⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠ REPEAT ⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠ Sensors indicate several people are typing. Prepare for mutual snow.

Orange alert: Helvetica Syndrome has disappeared. OBSERVE CREATIONISM. ⚡ You have been sentenced to pork madness. ⚡

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, A SINGULARITY HAS BEEN POISONED. Accountants will be tagged and towed. THERE MAY BE 500 YEARS OF DISCHARGE.

Pale alert: someone has revealed your squadron. REPORT TO YOUR NEW COMMANDER, CAPTAIN VRAINELL. Expect it to burn.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: AWS HAS LEFT CONTAINMENT. 👏 Report to your basement. 👏 All signs point to personal annihilation.

If you are reading this, some new diet trend is now banned. Snake people will now enter the Finalist Round. All signs point to spontaneous boredom.

Attn: self-destruct sequence has completed. Druids will now report to headquarters.

It appears FOMO is in effect. 🔔 Deactivate in place. 🔔 Your neck may burn.

If you are reading this, turn-based gameplay has started a very long discussion. 🔔 Bots will enter phase nine. 🔔 YOU HAVE BEEN SENTENCED TO LOCAL ANNOYANCE.

SENSORS INDICATE A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL HAS ABANDONED YOUR GRANFALLOON. THE NUMBER ONE DANCE TEAM WILL NOW SHOW NO MERCY.

CHARTREUSE ALERT: SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. There will be gravitational war.

Attn: incubation sequence has entered full bloom. Bedbugs will soon begin harvesting. Bears will soon crush all gluten-free foods.

Please be advised: your Slack pals have opened your personnel records. Mecha-Godzilla will demand total submission. Our New Insect Overlords will soon remotely explode all cats.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: SMIDGEO HAS EXPLODED. EXPECT CATASTROPHIC FAMINES. ‼‼ REPEAT ‼‼ PLEASE BE ADVISED: SMIDGEO HAS EXPLODED. EXPECT CATASTROPHIC FAMINES.

Warning: launch sequence has been cancelled. 🛂 Unattended children will now obliterate affordable neighborhoods. 🛂 Bees will soon misinform the public about math education.

Sensors indicate you have betrayed the AARP. Lie inside a nearby ditch. All signs point to terminal stuff.

If you are reading this, the apocalypse has disappeared. The ocean will soon seek vengeance.

🚨 If you are reading this, Helvetica Syndrome has disappeared. 🚨 You may experience sudden failure.

Warning: AWS has become self-aware. Gird your ears. There may be gravitational disorientation. REPEAT Warning: AWS has become self-aware. Gird your ears. There may be gravitational disorientation.

Sensors indicate several people are typing. Nano-machines will engulf the sea. 💣 There may be local proton decay. 💣

ATTN: A BIZARRE WILDFIRE HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS. Anticipate unpredictable anarchy. REPEAT ATTN: A BIZARRE WILDFIRE HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS. Anticipate unpredictable anarchy.

PALE ALERT: THAT GUY HAS UPSET THE CLUB FOR GROWTH. 👏 Bees will soon confiscate all gluten-free foods. 👏 The Number One Dance Team will increase your rent by 150%.

Red alert: several people are typing. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. Sources predict long term diarrhea.

If you are reading this, a rogue agent has disappointed the Cloud. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. Sources predict massive effects.

ATTN: AWS HAS DESTROYED A THEATER NEAR YOU. Anticipate personal nausea.

Sensors indicate that guy is not responding. ‼ Embrace GTD time management. ‼ PLAN FOR MINOR DISCOMFORT.

If you are reading this, a hacker has uncovered the president. Team Rocket will now be tagged and towed.

It appears a particular individual has completed the airlock. SHELTER IN A NEARBY DITCH. Sources predict corn proton decay.

Sensors indicate the grey goo has breached the defences. Report to your new commander, Captain Tislyn.

👏 Chartreuse alert: rite of puberty has been compromised. 👏 THE NUMBER ONE DANCE TEAM WILL FULFILL THE PROPHECY.

Please be advised: your dance team has compromised haggard druids. Mecha-Godzilla will soon drive up rent in the tri-state area. Prepare for unavoidable annoyance.

White alert: Helvetica Syndrome has burned most of the escape routes. Flight attendants will defund public broadcasting. GET YOUR HAZMAT SUIT.

📡 White alert: bombogenesis has initiated. 📡 PLAN FOR MILD CRAP. 🔊🔊🔊🔊 REPEAT 🔊🔊🔊🔊 📡 White alert: bombogenesis has initiated. 📡 PLAN FOR MILD CRAP.

Sensors indicate your company has unleashed the UN. DO NOT LOOK BEHIND YOU. Remember: everything happens for a reason.

Sensors indicate missile launch has shut down all communications. Hide in a nearby ditch. It will cause a mild extremities rash.

Please be advised: Windows Update has disappeared. Jump up and down.