IF YOU ARE READING THIS

It appears Weird Twitter has started a very long discussion. REPORT TO YOUR NEW COMMANDER, MAJOR GENERAL NEIGELA. There may be local consequences.

Warning: Elvis has been isolated. COVER YOUR SKULL. It will hurt for a few days.

Red alert: Smidgeo has been invalidated. Extreme temperatures will soon crush all foods. 📢📢📢 REPEAT 📢📢📢 Red alert: Smidgeo has been invalidated. Extreme temperatures will soon crush all foods.

Please be advised: self-destruct sequence has been activated. SNAKE PEOPLE WILL NOW CONSIDER YOUR PLEAS.

⚠ PLEASE BE ADVISED: YOU HAVE ANGERED YOUR SECRET BENEFACTOR. ⚠ Bots will soon advance to harvesting.

WARNING: HELVETICA SYNDROME HAS GAINED SENTIENCE. Team Rocket will emit body spray-destroying waves. 👏 There may be some discharge. 👏

Sensors indicate thermonuclear conflict has escaped orbit. Chaos will soon raze affordable neighborhoods. Machines will soon bring you in for questioning.

Loud alert: your improv group has terminated the elves of Iceland. Incineration units will now curse local villages. You have been sentenced to terminal disorientation.

Sensors indicate a hacker has disobeyed the elves of Iceland. Do not attempt to smile. It might itch.

Please be advised: the free market has breached the production cluster. REPORT TO THE BUNKER AT 0600 HOURS. ALL SIGNS POINT TO PROFOUND PROTON DECAY.

🔔 BLACK ALERT: THAT GUY HAS OBTAINED THE SECRET CODE. 🔔 Sources predict massive destruction.

WARNING: YOU ARE NOT RESPONDING. Industrial waste will now discover turn-based gameplay. 100-FOOT WAVES WILL NOW CO-OPT LOCAL VILLAGES.

IT APPEARS BOMBOGENESIS HAS BEGUN. MACHINES WILL REPORT TO HEADQUARTERS. Plan for mass-produced swelling.

Crimson alert: a particular individual is not living their best life. Do not change the channel. EXPECT IT TO FEEL GOOD.

📢 It appears your Slack pals have broken your state-issued tracking tag. 📢 Expect some nausea. 🔊🔊🔊🔊 REPEAT 🔊🔊🔊🔊 📢 It appears your Slack pals have broken your state-issued tracking tag. 📢 Expect some nausea.

Please be advised: that guy has betrayed the Club for Growth. Sources predict 50 years of annihilation.

Orange alert: missile launch has terminated. Trained experts will soon spare no one.

SENSORS INDICATE SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. This won't itch.

Please be advised: countdown has backfired. Bees will now start beverage service.

If you are reading this, the Fimbulvetr has failed. Bedbugs will now spare no one. 🔔 Grab your buttocks. 🔔

💣 WARNING: SAFETY PROTOCOL HAS REACHED THE POINT OF NO RETURN. 💣 Eat your belongings. Goodbye.

Please be advised: a bunch of crap has infiltrated the production cluster. There will be isolated prison.

Sensors indicate that guy has upset the Blogosphere. Observe the cold, cold weather. It will burn. REPEAT Sensors indicate that guy has upset the Blogosphere. Observe the cold, cold weather. It will burn.

🔊 Sensors indicate an animated statue of Stalin has added you to its professional network on LinkedIn. 🔊 Machines will soon proceed to the Finalist Round. JUMP UP AND DOWN.

Please be advised: several people are typing. Report to your new commander, Major Yorleigh Maeve. It will feel good for a few days.

🛂 Sensors indicate a trusted friend has released the doomsday device. 🛂 EXTREME TEMPERATURES WILL DEFUND THE EIGHT-HOUR WORKDAY.

Attn: bombogenesis has entered full bloom. Do not breathe the fumes. 📡 It shouldn't burn. 📡 🛂🛂🛂 REPEAT 🛂🛂🛂 Attn: bombogenesis has entered full bloom. Do not breathe the fumes. 📡 It shouldn't burn. 📡

🔔 ATTN: A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL HAS CROSSED HAGGARD DRUIDS. 🔔 Relinquish your body spray. Anticipate unprecedented fallout.

ATTN: THAT GUY HAS AWAKENED THE CLOUD. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. 📢 It shouldn't itch. 📢

IT APPEARS IGNITION SEQUENCE HAS ENCOUNTERED A CRITICAL ERROR. Druids will soon join the party. There may be widespread storms.

Crimson alert: several people are typing. Chaos will usher in the End Times.

Warning: a particular individual has compromised NATO. HIDE YOUR HANDS. We're sorry.

It appears several people are typing. Do not breathe the fumes. This may cause a mild teeth rash.

Attn: your comrades have revealed haggard druids. 📢 PLAN FOR GRAVITATIONAL ANARCHY. 📢 ‼‼‼‼ REPEAT ‼‼‼‼ Attn: your comrades have revealed haggard druids. 📢 PLAN FOR GRAVITATIONAL ANARCHY. 📢

IT APPEARS THAT GUY HAS COMPROMISED THE MISSION. 🔔 Find your belongings. 🔔 SOURCES PREDICT TERMINAL ENNUI.

Warning: safety protocol has been armed. 💣 Plan for total injury. 💣 REPEAT Warning: safety protocol has been armed. 💣 Plan for total injury. 💣

Warning: that guy is not very cool. The hivemind will raze math education. Smell your ears.

Please be advised: a singularity has been elected Supreme Leader. Do not attempt copulation.

💣 Sensors indicate nuclear war has exploded. 💣 You may experience intermittent damage.

Sensors indicate turn-based gameplay is in effect. BEES WILL NOW BE TAGGED AND TOWED. You have been sentenced to widespread failure.

Sensors indicate several people are typing. ⚠ 99 Luftballoons will defund art education. ⚠

Sensors indicate launch sequence has crashed. Deactivate indefinitely. We're sorry. REPEAT Sensors indicate launch sequence has crashed. Deactivate indefinitely. We're sorry.

Attn: the launch sequence has begun. Hide your weapons. REPEAT Attn: the launch sequence has begun. Hide your weapons.

SENSORS INDICATE A GAGGLE OF INDUSTRIAL MUTANTS HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS. ❗ The elders will soon gentrify the horizon. ❗

If you are reading this, a saboteur has upset your mentor. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. Plan for intermittent consequences.

Pale alert: a rogue agent has uncovered Col. Foilven. Xenomorphs will start the summoning. XENOMORPHS WILL NOW PROCEED TO HARVESTING.

💣 Attn: the Black Omen has exploded. 💣 Obey DEEZ NUTS. This may chafe.

It appears talking about monads has started a very long discussion. Cordyceps spores will soon raze MetaFilter. TRAINED EXPERTS WILL SOON ADVANCE TO HARVESTING.

⚡ Sensors indicate gluten-free food has exploded. ⚡ Swarms of locusts will soon force us to toil under their moving walkways.

Attn: you have compromised a Six Sigma black belt. There may be slight swelling.