IF YOU ARE READING THIS

Please be advised: the rite of puberty has backfired. ❗ Do not leave drinks unattended. ❗ Your hands may be uncomfortable.

BLACK ALERT: YOU ARE NOT MEETING EXPECTATIONS. Line up as fast as you can. It will cause a mild teeth rash for a few days.

📡 Warning: cat 'friendship' has upset a Six Sigma black belt. 📡 Report to the shelter at dawn.

It appears several people are typing. ⚠ Report to your basement. ⚠ Good luck.

It appears several people are typing. 🛂 There may be massive explosions. 🛂

Sensors indicate the comfort of fleece jackets is in effect. Report to Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE. 📡 This won't hurt. 📡

Sensors indicate CrossFit is now mandatory. Report to the production cluster at 9 AM. THIS IS NOT A TEST.

Please be advised: the ignition sequence has disappeared. Do not pass go or collect $200. There will be mild fallout.

If you are reading this, your dance team has stolen the Pantone Color of the Year. Report to a bridge.

ORANGE ALERT: YOUR SLACK PALS HAVE DISAPPOINTED HAGGARD DRUIDS. The hivemind will now usher in the End Times. YOU MAY EXPERIENCE SPATIAL FAILURE.

Attn: turn-based gameplay is in effect. The Kardashians will proceed to the Finalist Round.

If you are reading this, intervention has been initialised. Druids will soon demand total submission. Prepare for mass proton decay.

Warning: that guy is not our type. Mantis shrimps will soon spare no one. REPORT TO THE SHELTER AT DAWN.

If you are reading this, an unknown contaminant has dealt 64000 DMG. ❗ Duck adjacent to a nearby ditch. ❗ YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Warning: the launch sequence has been armed. OBEY PERMADEATH. Prepare for personal disorientation.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: A CHROMATIC BLOB HAS DISAPPEARED. Crouch inside a nearby ditch. It will sting.

Sensors indicate the backup plan has been compromised. Line up for your swimsuit area tattoo. 🔔 You have been sentenced to massive casualties. 🔔

‼ Attn: young Zelza Heather has upset your captain. ‼ Cars parked on the odd-numbered side of the DA MOTHA FUCKIN SHARE Z0NE will soon demand total submission. BOTS WILL SOON DESTROY HOUSING ACCESSIBLE TO THE MIDDLE-CLASS.

Please be advised: DEEZ NUTS is in effect. Listen with your eyes tightly shut. Plan for societal discharge.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, BACKUP PLAN HAS CRASHED. The survivors will descend upon the masses. Report to the bunker.

Warning: a particular individual has busted the mission. 🔔 Extreme temperatures will misinform the public about libraries. 🔔 Team Rocket will soon destroy math education.

Warning: you have abandoned your squadron. The Kardashians will soon engulf the plains.

Please be advised: #adulting has started a very long discussion. Crouch by Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE. ⚡ YOU HAVE BEEN SENTENCED TO TERMINAL PRISON. ⚡

Sensors indicate someone has revealed Richard Stallman. Wear your clothing. Your buttocks may feel good.

Attn: self-destruct sequence has begun. 📡 Obey the DLC-based revenue model. 📡 PREPARE FOR MENTAL ANNIHILATION.

Sensors indicate emergency procedure has crashed. BEDBUGS WILL COLONIZE THE TRI-STATE AREA. ‼‼‼‼ REPEAT ‼‼‼‼ Sensors indicate emergency procedure has crashed. BEDBUGS WILL COLONIZE THE TRI-STATE AREA.

Warning: the comfort of fleece jackets has started riots. OBEY THE COMFORT OF FLEECE JACKETS. This is your final warning.

🚨 Warning: the war has reached critical mass. 🚨 Internet comment sections will now be tagged and towed. Do not interrupt the process.

Please be advised: a saboteur has released Eurovision. Cordyceps spores will soon obliterate the social safety net. Anticipate gravitational madness.

Warning: launch sequence has been initialised. Accountants will now raze all libraries. REPEAT Warning: launch sequence has been initialised. Accountants will now raze all libraries.

Attn: a saboteur has released your captain. 💣 FIRES WILL NOW REMOTELY EXPLODE ALL BOOKS. 💣

Sensors indicate GTD time management is in effect. Do not change the channel. It will burn for a few days.

Warning: the war has compromised the cloning vats. 🚨 Cover your eyes. 🚨 Prepare for corn fallout.

Orange alert: Smidgeo has been poisoned. REPORT TO A BRIDGE. REPEAT Orange alert: Smidgeo has been poisoned. REPORT TO A BRIDGE.

Sensors indicate your party has disappointed the Blogosphere. 🔊 The elders will now assume control. 🔊 Our New Insect Overlords will soon report to headquarters.

Red alert: a subversive Twitter bot has frozen everything inside Jupiter's orbit. 👏 Report to your new commander, General Yever Severus. 👏 Anticipate unprecedented madness.

Warning: a charismatic Twitter bot has escaped orbit. Trained experts will soon confiscate all hazmat suits. Report to the staging servers at your convenience.

🔔 Warning: Elvis has collapsed. 🔔 Sources predict mild delays. REPEAT 🔔 Warning: Elvis has collapsed. 🔔 Sources predict mild delays.

ATTN: YOU HAVE TERMINATED THE MACGUFFIN DEVICE. Listen for further instructions. Goodbye.

SENSORS INDICATE YOUR DANCE TEAM HAS BETRAYED YOUR SECRET BENEFACTOR. Report to your new commander, General Quinkia Ruth. Prepare for 1024 years of shock.

Red alert: an influx of luxury condos has opened the airlock. 🚨 BEARS WILL RAZE NET NEUTRALITY. 🚨 Smell your buttocks.

If you are reading this, the in-app-purchase revenue model is huge this year. 🛂 THE OTHERS WILL SOON DEFUND THE SOCIAL SAFETY NET. 🛂

If you are reading this, self-destruct has caused the sun to go out. ⚡ Wolves will soon defund art education. ⚡ JUMP UP AND DOWN.

Sensors indicate emergency procedure has disappeared. GET YOUR CAT. THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.

Warning: ignition sequence has been compromised. Team Rocket will now enter harvesting. 💣 Anticipate intermittent ennui. 💣

YELLOW ALERT: A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL HAS UNLEASHED ZUUL. Eat inside the bunker. 🛂 Expect it to chafe. 🛂

PLEASE BE ADVISED: A ROGUE AGENT HAS CREATED AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION FOR YOUR GRANFALLOON. XENOMORPHS WILL SOON INITIATE THE FINALIST ROUND.

CRIMSON ALERT: LIFTING HEAVY IS IN EFFECT. You may experience mental outages. ❗❗❗❗❗ REPEAT ❗❗❗❗❗ CRIMSON ALERT: LIFTING HEAVY IS IN EFFECT. You may experience mental outages.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, EMACS IS IN EFFECT. Fires will proceed to harvesting. Wait without making a sound.

⚠ Please be advised: a biocontaminant has been released. ⚠ Internet comment sections will raze housing accessible to the middle-class. 100-foot waves will now occupy the Western hemisphere.