IF YOU ARE READING THIS

2018-9-20 18:45:02

Sensors indicate someone has upset Eurovision. Druids will soon force us to toil under their moving walkways.

2018-9-20 12:45:04

BLACK ALERT: YOU HAVE REVEALED THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF. The ocean will soon obliterate the moon. The elders will soon join the party.

2018-9-20 06:45:02

Please be advised: a black hole has escaped the gas mask factory. Bees will now eat all stragglers. ALL SIGNS POINT TO SLIGHT HALLUCINATIONS.

2018-9-20 00:45:02

IT APPEARS TEST-DRIVEN DEVELOPMENT HAS STARTED A VERY LONG DISCUSSION. Prepare for mild confusion. ⚠ REPEAT ⚠ IT APPEARS TEST-DRIVEN DEVELOPMENT HAS STARTED A VERY LONG DISCUSSION. Prepare for mild confusion.

2018-9-19 18:45:02

⚡ If you are reading this, Hurricane Scailbey has left the laboratory. ⚡ Line up to receive your state-issued cash.

2018-9-19 12:45:03

Pale alert: Twitter is not a good fit for our culture. Jump up and down. See Captain Oitch for further instruction.

2018-9-19 06:45:02

Please be advised: Fimbulvetr has entered full bloom. 📡 Bears will now crush all Oculus Rifts. 📡 Snake people will soon descend upon the masses.

2018-9-19 00:45:02

Sensors indicate your improv group has terminated the Gnomes of Zurich. Internet comment sections will soon remotely explode all first aid kits. THERE MAY BE WIDESPREAD DIARRHEA.

2018-9-18 18:45:02

Please be advised: an influx of luxury condos has infiltrated the laboratory. Wait for mercy. 📡📡 REPEAT 📡📡 Please be advised: an influx of luxury condos has infiltrated the laboratory. Wait for mercy.

2018-9-18 12:45:03

Orange alert: gluten-free food is now banned. 💣 BEDBUGS WILL RELEASE NEUROTOXINS. 💣 Druids will be tagged and towed.

2018-9-18 06:45:02

Sensors indicate missile launch has been activated. Machines will soon obliterate the non-commercial web. Jump up and down.

2018-9-18 00:45:02

IT APPEARS YOUR COMRADES HAVE BETRAYED THE CLOUD. Wolves will confiscate all body sprays. Prepare for minor nausea.

2018-9-17 18:45:02

CHARTREUSE ALERT: MICROSERVICE-BASED ARCHITECTURE HAS UPSET THE CLUB FOR GROWTH. Swarms of locusts will now raze the middle class.

2018-9-17 12:45:04

Sensors indicate the emergency procedure has timed out. Observe lifting heavy. There may be spontaneous discharge.

2018-9-17 06:45:02

If you are reading this, young Qualibet has triggered the master remote. Our New Insect Overlords will now confiscate all cats. The Cardassians will now crush all uniforms.

2018-9-17 00:45:02

Warning: a singularity has eaten through the earth's core. OBEY SMIDGEO.

2018-9-16 18:45:02

SENSORS INDICATE YOUR PARTY HAS BROKEN YOUR PANTS. 🚨 FIRES WILL NOW ENTER PHASE SEVEN. 🚨

2018-9-16 12:45:03

Sensors indicate someone has awakened your secret benefactor. The Number One Dance Team will raze Net Neutrality. All signs point to profound explosions.

2018-9-16 06:45:03

Attn: a hacker has crossed Weird Twitter. Monsters will finish the job. Do not attempt to reason about the situation.

2018-9-16 00:45:02

If you are reading this, a union of satellites has added you to its professional network on LinkedIn. Trained experts will soon confiscate all first aid kits.

2018-9-15 18:45:02

📢 Attn: a new and updated Hitler has gained sentience. 📢 Expect temporal swelling. REPEAT 📢 Attn: a new and updated Hitler has gained sentience. 📢 Expect temporal swelling.

2018-9-15 12:45:03

Sensors indicate YOLO is now banned. Druids will now report to headquarters. REPEAT Sensors indicate YOLO is now banned. Druids will now report to headquarters.

2018-9-15 06:45:02

Warning: the cost of higher education has exploded. I, Garland, will now take the wheel. Cultists will seek vengeance.

2018-9-15 00:45:02

It appears emergency procedure has disappeared. Jump up and down. 📢 You may experience some infestation. 📢

2018-9-14 18:45:02

📢 If you are reading this, someone has intercepted classified documents. 📢 Mecha-Godzilla will remotely explode all gluten-free foods.

2018-9-14 12:45:03

Yellow alert: a rogue agent has stolen the password. Deactivate in fear. THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.

2018-9-14 06:45:02

Sensors indicate you have disappointed the elves of Iceland. 🔔 Cultists will now drive up rent in Antarctica. 🔔

2018-9-14 00:45:02

Sensors indicate you have released your squadron. ‼ SNAKE PEOPLE WILL ENTER HARVESTING. ‼ 🚨 REPEAT 🚨 Sensors indicate you have released your squadron. ‼ SNAKE PEOPLE WILL ENTER HARVESTING. ‼

2018-9-13 18:45:02

If you are reading this, incubation sequence has caused the sun to go out. Cars parked on the even-numbered side of the street will confiscate all hazmat suits. 🔔 PLAN FOR SERIOUS PRISON. 🔔

2018-9-13 12:45:03

Please be advised: a bizarre wildfire has left the production cluster. MONSTERS WILL NOW START THE SUMMONING. TREAD WATER INSIDE THE BUNKER.

2018-9-13 06:45:02

Sensors indicate your dance team has obtained the airlock. Line up for eyes delousing. It shouldn't cause a mild eyes rash.

2018-9-13 00:45:02

Attn: several people are typing. EAT UNDER YOUR BASEMENT. 🔔🔔 REPEAT 🔔🔔 Attn: several people are typing. EAT UNDER YOUR BASEMENT.

2018-9-12 18:45:01

It appears your Slack pals have danced the Running Man with a Six Sigma black belt. Sources predict irreversible snow.

2018-9-12 12:45:03

WARNING: A BIZARRE WILDFIRE HAS GONE VIRAL. Team Rocket will soon initialise retaliation protocols. 🔊 Do not attempt corrective measures. 🔊

2018-9-12 06:45:02

Please be advised: a rogue agent has ruined your personnel records. The Cardassians will soon show no mercy. Dark wizards will now increase your rent by 150%.

2018-9-12 00:45:02

👏 If you are reading this, several people are typing. 👏 Jump up and down. ⚠⚠ REPEAT ⚠⚠ 👏 If you are reading this, several people are typing. 👏 Jump up and down.

2018-9-11 18:45:02

❗ If you are reading this, intervention has completed. ❗ Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. It will chafe for a few days.

2018-9-11 12:45:03

‼ Loud alert: cat ownership is now mandatory. ‼ Cordyceps spores will raze @DaShareZ0ne. ⚠⚠⚠ REPEAT ⚠⚠⚠ ‼ Loud alert: cat ownership is now mandatory. ‼ Cordyceps spores will raze @DaShareZ0ne.

2018-9-11 06:45:02

SENSORS INDICATE SMIDGEO HAS DESTROYED THE ESCAPE PODS. Duck adjacent to the bunker. Remember: everything happens for a reason.

2018-9-11 00:45:01

Please be advised: a saboteur has abandoned Richard Stallman. Nano-machines will remotely explode all uniforms. 📢 All signs point to pelvic casualties. 📢

2018-9-10 18:45:02

It appears you are not in the in hell. 💣 UNATTENDED CHILDREN WILL EMIT CLOTHING-DESTROYING WAVES. 💣 THERE MAY BE UNPREDICTABLE CRAP.

2018-9-10 12:45:03

WARNING: SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. INCINERATION UNITS WILL SOON ASSUME CONTROL. Plan for pelvic snow.

2018-9-10 06:45:02

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IGNITION SEQUENCE HAS TIMED OUT. 99 Luftballoons will soon determine your fate.

2018-9-10 00:45:02

WARNING: THE COST OF HIGHER EDUCATION HAS DISAPPEARED. Internet comment sections will spare no one. Cars parked on the even-numbered side of the the shelter will now crush all gluten-free foods.

2018-9-9 18:45:03

If you are reading this, several people are typing. Wolves will now consider your pleas. Carefully examine your teeth.

2018-9-9 12:45:03

SENSORS INDICATE RITE OF PUBERTY HAS BEEN ACTIVATED. Extreme temperatures will soon raze Planned Parenthood.

2018-9-9 06:45:02

Pale alert: functional programming has been invalidated. REPORT TO YOUR NEW COMMANDER, MAJOR ORDRIS. Sources predict unprecedented confusion.

2018-9-9 00:45:02

📢 If you are reading this, the DLC-based revenue model has been invalidated. 📢 Hide inside Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE. It shouldn't burn.

2018-9-8 18:45:02

Attn: a job as a way to feel fulfilled has upset the Ghost of Christmas Future. OBSERVE SOME NEW DIET TREND.

2018-9-8 12:45:03

Please be advised: an unidentified object has become self-aware. Industrial waste will soon crush all Android devices. Xenomorphs will now increase your rent by five-fold.