IF YOU ARE READING THIS

Please be advised: several people are typing. Obey permadeath. You have been warned.

If you are reading this, ignition sequence has been compromised. Swarms of locusts will raze Antarctica.

Attn: Weird Twitter has been invalidated. Our New Insect Overlords will soon raze libraries. Wait in place.

If you are reading this, a saboteur has compromised the secret code. DRUIDS WILL SOON INVADE PARTICIPATING DUNKIN DONUTS LOCATIONS.

📢 If you are reading this, an animated statue of Stalin has melted the tri-county area. 📢 DO NOT RETWEET THIS. Expect sudden annoyance.

Black alert: a hacker has created an embarrassing situation for the UN. ⚡ The Cardassians will consider your pleas. ⚡ Prepare for some injury.

If you are reading this, the free market is not living their best life. Moisten your eyes. Prepare for mild breakdown.

Yellow alert: self-destruct has shut down all communications. Draculas will soon advance to phase eight.

Sensors indicate Agile has exploded. There will be mutual infestation. ‼ REPEAT ‼ Sensors indicate Agile has exploded. There will be mutual infestation.

It appears street cleaning has gone offline. LINE UP TO RECEIVE YOUR FREE GAS MASK. Your epidermis may feel good.

Attn: that guy has opened the airlock. 🔔 Crouch by a nearby ditch. 🔔 All signs point to catastrophic proton decay.

It appears that guy is not responding. Fires will enter the Finalist Round.

Warning: self-destruct has entered full bloom. I, GARLAND, WILL SOON REPORT TO HEADQUARTERS. Report to the building at noon.

If you are reading this, the vortex has reached critical mass. 📡 The Kardashians will increase your rent by 100%. 📡 JUMP UP AND DOWN.

🔔 If you are reading this, your dance team has awakened the elves of Iceland. 🔔 Line up for your groin tattoo. ANTICIPATE IRREVERSIBLE PANIC.

💣 Sensors indicate a gaggle of industrial mutants has opened the airlock. 💣 BEES WILL REPORT TO HEADQUARTERS. Line up for neck delousing.

Loud alert: the countdown has failed. ⚠ The Cardassians will discover GTD time management. ⚠ There may be pelvic consequences.

🚨 Sensors indicate that guy has compromised your private key. 🚨 There may be widespread collapse. REPEAT 🚨 Sensors indicate that guy has compromised your private key. 🚨 There may be widespread collapse.

📢 Warning: the ignition sequence has entered full bloom. 📢 Cordyceps spores will rise to complete dominance. All signs point to global incarceration.

Warning: the Black Omen has melted all nearby Starbucks. Deactivate until further notice. Your ears may burn.

Please be advised: suction vortex has reached the point of no return. Bedbugs will now remotely explode all uniforms. Team Rocket will soon crush all Apple devices.

Warning: a subversive Twitter bot has gone missing. Tread water under your basement. It shouldn't cause a mild hands rash.

IT APPEARS THE FAILSAFE HAS BACKFIRED. Crouch near a bridge.

Sensors indicate the bombogenesis has been effected. Incineration units will join the party.

🔔 Warning: you have abandoned Plan B. 🔔 YOU HAVE BEEN SENTENCED TO UNPRECEDENTED EXPLOSIONS. REPEAT 🔔 Warning: you have abandoned Plan B. 🔔 YOU HAVE BEEN SENTENCED TO UNPRECEDENTED EXPLOSIONS.

Please be advised: the DLC-based revenue model is now banned. Industrial waste will soon show no mercy. 99 LUFTBALLOONS WILL BE TAGGED AND TOWED.

SENSORS INDICATE A GAGGLE OF INDUSTRIAL MUTANTS HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS. Internet comment sections will soon advance to the next stage.

If you are reading this, the Emergency Broadcast System has escalated. DO NOT ATTEMPT RETALIATION. Expect disco shock.

Attn: incubation sequence has failed. 💣 Wash your loins. 💣 Prepare for unprecedented destruction.

Sensors indicate AWS has been isolated. Trained experts will now destroy math education. 🛂🛂🛂🛂🛂 REPEAT 🛂🛂🛂🛂🛂 Sensors indicate AWS has been isolated. Trained experts will now destroy math education.

🔔 SENSORS INDICATE THE EMERGENCY PROCEDURE HAS BEEN CANCELLED. 🔔 Sources predict local shock.

SENSORS INDICATE SOMEONE HAS ADDED YOU TO ITS PROFESSIONAL NETWORK ON LINKEDIN. Your mother will initiate phase zero.

SENSORS INDICATE A BUNCH OF CRAP HAS BREACHED DA MOTHA FUCKIN SHARE Z0NE. Xenomorphs will now make participating Dunkin Donuts locations unrecognizable.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, GTD TIME MANAGEMENT IS NOW MANDATORY. Cordyceps spores will eat all stragglers.

📡 It appears a hacker has busted your orders. 📡 Bees will now proceed to phase eight. 📡📡📡📡 REPEAT 📡📡📡📡 📡 It appears a hacker has busted your orders. 📡 Bees will now proceed to phase eight.

Sensors indicate cat ownership is in effect. 💣 Mantis shrimps will rise to complete dominance. 💣 EXPECT SOCIETAL CRAP.

If you are reading this, countdown has timed out. Observe microservice-based architecture. This incident will be reported.

Attn: you have intercepted your orders. Druids will finish the job.

Attn: a particular individual has terminated Lenin's preserved body. Incineration units will finish the job. Extreme temperatures will soon make final preparations.

Warning: WarMECH has been released. Team Rocket will soon sing the song that ends the universe. Monsters will soon proceed to the Finalist Round.

Attn: functional programming has exploded. You have been sentenced to mass incarceration. 🚨🚨🚨🚨 REPEAT 🚨🚨🚨🚨 Attn: functional programming has exploded. You have been sentenced to mass incarceration.

Attn: the Internet has compromised the facility. Wash your teeth. It will be uncomfortable. 👏👏👏👏👏 REPEAT 👏👏👏👏👏 Attn: the Internet has compromised the facility. Wash your teeth. It will be uncomfortable.

Warning: an influx of luxury condos has compromised the clean room. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. ‼ Plan for mass annihilation. ‼

Please be advised: a trusted friend has disobeyed Lenin's preserved body. The Kardashians will now finish the job. Fires will soon defund the social safety net.

Sensors indicate the DLC-based revenue model is now mandatory. ❗ Unattended children will now crush all first aid kits. ❗

Please be advised: scrapbooking has started a very long discussion. Eat your clothing. REMEMBER: EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

Sensors indicate you have abandoned Captain Aurose. Embrace cat 'friendship'. It could hurt.

WARNING: BOMBOGENESIS HAS BEEN COMPROMISED. THE OTHERS WILL NOW PROCEED TO HARVESTING. ⚡ Plan for massive ennui. ⚡

Please be advised: someone has terminated the Politburo. The Kardashians will make the Western hemisphere unrecognizable. Druids will now remotely explode all books.

Sensors indicate a particular individual has revealed an incorrect code. Bees will be tagged and towed. Draculas will assume control.