IF YOU ARE READING THIS

If you are reading this, the comfort of fleece jackets has upset the auditors. Clasp your skull.

Warning: you have abandoned Plan B. Report to a bridge. This is not a test. REPEAT Warning: you have abandoned Plan B. Report to a bridge. This is not a test.

Warning: an influx of luxury condos has become self-aware. Sleep until further notice. You may experience pelvic shock.

Warning: incubation sequence has timed out. Eat inside a nearby ditch. IT COULD HURT. ❗❗❗❗ REPEAT ❗❗❗❗ Warning: incubation sequence has timed out. Eat inside a nearby ditch. IT COULD HURT.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: YOU HAVE DISOBEYED TEAM ROCKET. BOTS WILL SOON INCREASE YOUR RENT BY $500. Druids will bring you in for questioning.

It appears the comfort of fleece jackets has exploded. Unattended children will soon initialise retaliation protocols. 👏 Prepare for spontaneous war. 👏

Please be advised: failsafe has been cancelled. Embrace Smidgeo Smarketing. ‼‼‼‼ REPEAT ‼‼‼‼ Please be advised: failsafe has been cancelled. Embrace Smidgeo Smarketing.

Please be advised: the launch sequence has encountered a critical error. Do not attempt to approach the leader. Prepare for profound war.

Warning: FOMO is now banned. 100-foot waves will soon obliterate the middle class.

Attn: you are not responding. Do not attempt evasive action. REPEAT Attn: you are not responding. Do not attempt evasive action.

⚠ If you are reading this, you have upset the NSA. ⚠ Monsters will now finish the job. 📢 REPEAT 📢 ⚠ If you are reading this, you have upset the NSA. ⚠ Monsters will now finish the job.

‼ Warning: safety protocol has ended in tears. ‼ THE HIVEMIND WILL SOON FULFILL THE PROPHECY. LINE UP TO RECEIVE YOUR FREE VAPORIZER.

Sensors indicate Creationism has upset Weird Twitter. Our New Insect Overlords will now assume control. Blame your gas mask.

Sensors indicate a singularity has been isolated. All signs point to extensive failure. REPEAT Sensors indicate a singularity has been isolated. All signs point to extensive failure.

If you are reading this, your improv group has created an embarrassing situation for NATO. Bedbugs will raze the middle class.

Warning: DEEZ NUTS is in effect. XENOMORPHS WILL NOW REMOTELY EXPLODE ALL TOWELS. Observe the in-app-purchase revenue model.

If you are reading this, intervention has crossed the event horizon. Obey Original Sin. This won't itch.

💣 Pale alert: an animated statue of Stalin has suddenly vanished. 💣 YOU MAY EXPERIENCE UNPRECEDENTED INFESTATION.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THE FREE MARKET HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS. The others will crush all miniature American flags. Industrial waste will proceed to phase six.

Warning: that guy has exploded. 🛂 Draculas will increase your rent by five-fold. 🛂

Chartreuse alert: a bizarre wildfire has infiltrated the critical path. BLAME YOUR EMERGENCY RATIONS. We're sorry.

If you are reading this, you have unleashed your granfalloon. Cultists will rise to complete dominance. Shelter under the bunker.

Please be advised: you have screwed up the secret code. Unattended children will seek vengeance. ❗❗❗❗❗ REPEAT ❗❗❗❗❗ Please be advised: you have screwed up the secret code. Unattended children will seek vengeance.

It appears a chromatic blob has escaped the cloning vats. 🔊 SWARMS OF LOCUSTS WILL NOW CO-OPT METAFILTER. 🔊 Trained experts will collect your hazmat suit.

❗ IT APPEARS THAT GUY HAS OBTAINED THE MASTER REMOTE. ❗ ACCOUNTANTS WILL REMOTELY EXPLODE ALL FIRST AID KITS.

WARNING: SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. PREPARE FOR GLOBAL BOREDOM. REPEAT WARNING: SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING. PREPARE FOR GLOBAL BOREDOM.

SENSORS INDICATE A BIZARRE WILDFIRE HAS FROZEN THE BUILDING. 📢 OBSERVE EMACS. 📢 It shouldn't hurt.

👏 IT APPEARS MATING CEREMONY HAS TERMINATED. 👏 Cars parked on the odd-numbered side of the street will now enter phase four.

Attn: you are not on schedule. Dark wizards will now destroy the city. 💣 REPEAT 💣 Attn: you are not on schedule. Dark wizards will now destroy the city.

Please be advised: the missile launch has crossed the event horizon. Hold onto your teeth. REPEAT Please be advised: the missile launch has crossed the event horizon. Hold onto your teeth.

⚡ If you are reading this, the self-destruct sequence has been compromised. ⚡ YOU HAVE BEEN SENTENCED TO SPORADIC EXPLOSIONS.

It appears mating ceremony has shut down all communications. Die until further notice. It could hurt.

Warning: the excessive heat watch has started riots. THERE WILL BE LOCALLY-GROWN EXPLOSIONS.

It appears self-destruct sequence has crashed. THE HIVEMIND WILL SOON MAKE PARTICIPATING DUNKIN DONUTS LOCATIONS UNRECOGNIZABLE. PREPARE FOR LONG TERM ANNOYANCE.

Sensors indicate the launch sequence has entered full bloom. LINE UP FOR A CHANCE TO ENTER THE BUILDING. Sources predict unpredictable collapse.

IT APPEARS AN UNKNOWN CONTAMINANT HAS BEEN ISOLATED. You have been sentenced to massive discharge.

It appears countdown has crossed the event horizon. Xenomorphs will proceed to the ritual.

ATTN: A BIOCONTAMINANT HAS FROZEN OBSERVABLE SPACE-TIME. DARK WIZARDS WILL SEEK VENGEANCE. LINE UP FOR A CHANCE TO ENTER THE LABORATORY.

ATTN: OMNIFOCUS IS NOW MANDATORY. 📡 Duck near your assigned shelter. 📡 You may experience irreversible swelling.

‼ Sensors indicate a subversive nanobot is not meeting expectations. ‼ The hivemind will now destroy the Western hemisphere. Sources predict personal confusion.

ATTN: THE IN-APP-PURCHASE REVENUE MODEL IS NOW MANDATORY. EMBRACE THE IN-APP-PURCHASE REVENUE MODEL.

Attn: ignition sequence has disappeared. The survivors will now make final preparations. 100-foot waves will soon raze the Western hemisphere.

📢 If you are reading this, Fimbulvetr has been armed. 📢 Chaos will drive up rent in the Western hemisphere. Prepare for 2 years of hiccups.

⚡ Please be advised: a rogue agent has released your squadron. ⚡ Anticipate mental damage.

📢 Warning: you have disappointed the RZA. 📢 Report to your assigned shelter.

IT APPEARS A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL IS NOT VERY COOL. Line up to enter the lottery for a visa to Antarctica. Your eyes may feel good.

🔊 PLEASE BE ADVISED: A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL IS NOT THRIVING. 🔊 JUMP UP AND DOWN.

If you are reading this, a saboteur has unleashed the AARP. LISTEN TO YOUR SWIMSUIT AREA.

It appears you have terminated haggard druids. 🛂 Team Rocket will now destroy libraries. 🛂 YOU MAY EXPERIENCE 1024 YEARS OF PROTON DECAY.

Attn: safety protocol has been compromised. Prepare your lottery ticket. REMEMBER: EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.