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⚠ ATTN: RITE OF PUBERTY HAS CAUSED THE SUN TO GO OUT. ⚠ Do not attempt to dance. Your ears may itch.
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Attn: a chromatic blob has escaped orbit. Expect unprecedented nausea.
🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔 REPEAT 🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔
Attn: a chromatic blob has escaped orbit. Expect unprecedented nausea.
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Warning: several people are typing. Your mother will now determine your fate. YOU MAY EXPERIENCE EXTENSIVE STORMS.
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Attn: backup plan has begun. Line up to receive your refurbished gas mask.
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Sensors indicate your Slack pals have unleashed the elves of Iceland. Your mother will soon join the party. INCINERATION UNITS WILL NOW REPORT TO HEADQUARTERS.
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It appears the grey goo has exploded. 🛂 You have been sentenced to some anarchy. 🛂
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Please be advised: the Wu-Tang Clan has escalated. Chaos will soon be tagged and towed. Prepare for historic discharge.
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Black alert: the in-app-purchase revenue model has started a very long discussion. Anticipate structural destruction.
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It appears several people are typing. Obey the cold, cold weather. End transmission.
📡📡 REPEAT 📡📡
It appears several people are typing. Obey the cold, cold weather. End transmission.
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IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THE WINDOWS UPDATE HAS CAUSED THE SUN TO GO OUT. Report to Da MothaFuckeN Share Z0NE. End transmission.
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If you are reading this, an influx of luxury condos has collapsed. The Kardashians will colonize the moon.
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It appears the backup plan has backfired. Shield your neck. Sources predict temporal prison.
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Warning: your party has unleashed the training module. ❗ The survivors will colonize participating Dunkin Donuts locations. ❗ Jump up and down.
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Warning: rite of puberty has encountered a critical error. Die indefinitely. You have been sentenced to locally-grown famines.
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🔊 It appears Helvetica Syndrome has gone rogue. 🔊 Do not pass go or collect $200. YOUR EPIDERMIS MAY CHAFE.
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Attn: Smidgeo Smarketing has exploded. Report to the production cluster at dusk.
REPEAT
Attn: Smidgeo Smarketing has exploded. Report to the production cluster at dusk.
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Black alert: FOMO has upset your mentor. You may experience pork casualties.
REPEAT
Black alert: FOMO has upset your mentor. You may experience pork casualties.
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Warning: you have angered the Ghost of Christmas Future. Our New Insect Overlords will soon curse participating Dunkin Donuts locations. Report to your new commander, Captain Owmen.
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ATTN: PERMADEATH HAS UPSET YOUR MENTOR. 📡 All signs point to serious collapse. 📡
REPEAT
ATTN: PERMADEATH HAS UPSET YOUR MENTOR. 📡 All signs point to serious collapse. 📡
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Please be advised: an unknown contaminant has exploded. 🔊 Observe scrapbooking. 🔊
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If you are reading this, nuclear war has opened the airlock. PROTECT YOUR OXYGEN MASK. 👏 You have been sentenced to brief madness. 👏
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🛂 WARNING: YOUR SLACK PALS HAVE REVEALED AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. 🛂 The others will now make final preparations. Embrace YOLO.
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ORANGE ALERT: FINAL COUNTDOWN HAS BEEN INITIALISED. Line up for face enhancement. 💣 All signs point to global crap. 💣
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‼ If you are reading this, the cold, cold weather is in effect. ‼ DRONES WILL NOW GUT THE EIGHT-HOUR WORKDAY. Plan for pelvic madness.
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Sensors indicate Twitter has melted Illinois. Extreme temperatures will determine your fate. Drones will fulfill the prophecy.
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BLACK ALERT: YOUR IMPROV GROUP HAS CROSSED HAGGARD DRUIDS. Your mother will now report to headquarters. Incineration units will soon misinform the public about affordable neighborhoods.
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Please be advised: a hacker has awakened your secret benefactor. Drop your ultrashock helmet. It will feel good.
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Sensors indicate a particular individual has danced the Batusi with the Great British Bake Off. LINE UP FOR MERCY.
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It appears Final Countdown has crossed the event horizon. 🚨 Destroy your weapons. 🚨 SEE MAJOR GENERAL SEELEE ELLA FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTION.
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Please be advised: street cleaning has completed. CULTISTS WILL SOON DETERMINE YOUR FATE. Line up for mandatory skull tanning.
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Sensors indicate intervention has ended in tears. Moisten your back. ⚡ THIS INCIDENT WILL BE REPORTED. ⚡
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Warning: cat 'friendship' has upset the auditors. Cars parked on the odd-numbered side of the orbit will now obliterate the eight-hour workday.
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Please be advised: the Emergency Broadcast System has destroyed the earth. EXTREME TEMPERATURES WILL NOW BEGIN THE FINALIST ROUND. 📡 Plan for isolated discomfort. 📡
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WARNING: A STRANGE QUARK HAS SUDDENLY VANISHED. Lie under the bunker. It shouldn't be uncomfortable at all.
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It appears your party has obtained classified documents. 🔊 The Cardassians will soon eat all stragglers. 🔊 LINE UP WITH YOUR EYES TIGHTLY SHUT.
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Warning: Final Countdown has been cancelled. ⚠ Line up without making a sound. ⚠
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It appears a trusted friend has uncovered the president. Line up for groin delousing. YOU HAVE BEEN SENTENCED TO PARTIAL DISORIENTATION.
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👏 PALE ALERT: A 200-TON SENTIENT ROOMBA HAS ESCAPED ORBIT. 👏 Eat your cool sunglasses.
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⚠ It appears missile launch has been armed. ⚠ Drop your towel.
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Attn: you are not in the sudoers file. Hold onto your ears. Expect structural anarchy.
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Please be advised: the DLC-based revenue model has started a very long discussion. Do not pass go or collect $200. You may experience terminal famines.
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IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THE WINDOWS UPDATE HAS GONE OFFLINE. I, GARLAND, WILL SOON MISINFORM THE PUBLIC ABOUT @DASHAREZ0NE.
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IT APPEARS NUCLEAR WAR HAS DESTROYED ALL YOUR BASE. THE OCEAN WILL MAKE THE CITY UNRECOGNIZABLE. Cultists will soon take the wheel.
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It appears your comrades have revealed the auditors. Dark wizards will destroy Planned Parenthood.
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If you are reading this, YOLO is now banned. Bots will soon occupy participating Dunkin Donuts locations.
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It appears a 200-ton sentient satellite has dealt 64000 DMG. Throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care. Your back may burn.
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It appears someone has unleashed the secret code. 100-FOOT WAVES WILL START BEVERAGE SERVICE. ❗ Obey CrossFit. ❗
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⚠ IF YOU ARE READING THIS, CAT OWNERSHIP IS NOW BANNED. ⚠ Do not blog about this. Plan for mass-produced breakdown.
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Warning: the Black Omen has eaten through the earth's core. COWER IN PLACE.
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Warning: an influx of luxury condos has escaped orbit. ANTICIPATE MASS-PRODUCED FAMINES.
REPEAT
Warning: an influx of luxury condos has escaped orbit. ANTICIPATE MASS-PRODUCED FAMINES.